Family

To offer this glimpse of me is to unsheathe a bit of the guard I so voraciously defend and eternally adapt for survival. It is of necessity that one must at times reveal a card or two if not for any other purpose than to self-therapize and henceforth self-preservate.

Lets face it all of us have dysfunction alive and well within our family systems- both within our nuclear families and to a greater extent within our regional families. One of my many mantras about family is that "Thy shall ALWAYS love thy family." Lets face it family is hard and there really is no getting around it. They know you at your best and at your worst. There is no facade or cloak to hide in- they know you... the real you. Family is hard for me- my childhood afforded me the privilege of amazing family members who loved me and nurtured me through my childhood and adolescence while I also went through trauma enduring years of abuse. Going home isn't always full of joy and pleasant memories- sometimes it is filled with flashbacks and horror. Family has loved me through it all. Family is supposed to do that- it both the form and function.

My family has roots that run deep- no horror and no storm will uproot the love we share. We are a family of survivors and we are strong. We are prideful for this- we delve merit to endurance and honor to scars. We do our best to be tender- though often we fail. Tenderness is dangerous and borders weakness though it is often necessitated by life.

We are family, blood upon blood. Going home these days gets easier with each trip. God's grace seeps into our horror and heals. It is slow but strong. It is redemptive and freeing. I am only able to live because I belong to the light. God's grace has captivated my life and enslaved me into a life of love and somehow through this slavery I am free. This is a quandary for another day...

I have the best family... because it is MY family. Those are my people. So we will continue to live out life together loving each other even when we might not like each other at times. Over the seasons of our lives, we will love, live, and do our best to "suck the marrow out of life". It is the greatest gift on earth to be given. Our family is our roots, our greatest influence, our greatest legacy, our greatest hope. Aside from God through Christ, our families are our greatest source of love. they are our greatest model of life. They are our greatest well of strength. They are our people and will always be our people.

I wish and pray for church to be this type of family... we still have some growing to do.

Seeing Through a 2X4

I am just recently returning to "normal" life if there is such a thing in student ministry. I have been away for a week and a half for mission service with Ozark Mission Project. It was an incredible time of service and completely exhausting which is always a spiritual event. I think it is because we have to rely on strength from God when we don't have the strength on our own (it has been said that God begins where we end). I always embrace the opportunity to serve in mission and to expose my students to the lives of those in need and see them excel when we heave responsibility and opportunity their way to right even a few wrongs and supply a few needs to others. They ALWAYS rise to the occasion. I love mission trip weeks because I get to see our students at their very best. So much gets accomplished in just a few days of work... rag tag groups of relatively green amateurs get together and through team work accomplish unimaginable feats in a short amount of time. It leaves little room for the unimaginative soul to wonder if there is a God and if He really works in the world. It is faith manifested and revealed. It is a time when awe-filled glory shines forth and scandalous beauty is lived out. It is the good stuff.

It was sort of a week of visions for me. I had two very powerful "episodes" of spiritual revelation. I am not the normal "episode" kind of Christian but it was way real and way powerful. Right now their content will stay between me and the Big Guy at least until I have a better handle on their meaning and direction. I will say however that it was goose-bump filled and plunged me into a type of spiritual euphoria- almost completely indescribable so I won't even dare to try to flesh it out now.

With all of these experiences cumulating I was suddenly aware of the reality that I know nothing. God is all-powerful and all-knowing. I see His ways as well as I see through a 2X4. He is in control and I am humbled by the extravagance of His grace that lets me "approach with boldness to the throne of grace." I am willfully a slave to God's love and work. I am captivated with His movement and inundated with His Spirit to which I cannot hold in. "It is a fire shut up in my bones to which I can no longer hold in." My daily mantra has become the hope that if I rub shoulders with God daily I might become a little more like Him and be used by Him wherever and whenever He wants to work. I want to be a man after God's heart and for this goal I will do my very best to strive. It is a glorious adventure wrought with danger, filled with mouth-agape awe, and completely beyond anything this world has to offer. Isn't life so good? So good? So incredibly good?

You Can't Stomach It

I was quite content. I have been on the wagon of physical training and feeling pretty well about reigning down some discipline on my not so new shell. Loosing a bit of weight and feeling even more spry than normal. As I dusted the sand out of my eyes early Sunday morning readying myself for a day of toil I felt this strange sensation. I did, after all, go to bed feeling quite well. What happened? I felt this strange pinch in my right deltoid as if someone had come in the dark of the night and twisted multiple muscles into a nice, extremely tight braid of carnage. So maybe I overdid the exercise a bit- I am the one who smiles when things begin to hurt during exercise. The pain makes me feel human and reminds me of the cost one must pay to rise above the norm in life- I know call me a narcisist. This maybe is why I love racing triathlons. Finally, I got in for a deep tissue massage (I am hesitant to call it a massage when clearly it involved the complete destruction of my ligaments and muscles surrounding the ache or so it seemed). Much better... Then I caught my sons stomach and atomic diarrhea bug- WOW! Now that was carnage. I am recovering today. I made it to the pool this morning and didn't poo on myself so I think I am on the road to recovery.

In reality these minor stresses aren't even a drop in the boucket of the worries one can undergo. I count myself blessed. I think too often like having a spiritual stomach bug- I can't handle what God wishes me to grab ahold of. Spritually speaking- I have motion sickness and God won't stop moving. It is kind of like my son with butterflies- he loves them and wants to touch them so badly. When he gets close enough, the butterfly takes off and circles him. He is half smiling and half crying in tremendous fear and elation.

So I guess I am, in a spiritual sense, at Six Flags. I made it past the height requirements, ready to board the coaster. My stomach says "no freaking way, you can't stomach this!" and my hearts says "oh yeah bring it!" I am getting on baby and there ain't no stopping me. By the end of the ride I hope I have tears down my eyes, goose bumps on my arms, no sense of others perception of me, jacked up adrenaline, and a profound awareness that I have been right where I need to be. What a ride! What a freaking amazing ride!

It's a Lost Art

Determined to deliver a divine treat I attempted a series of parodies for our volunteers last night at their appreciation banquet. Although I aspire to be a "beat poet" of sorts I am far from grade A but I still gave it a try. I had a blast coming up with the words and preparing a true personal gift for them all. It is almost a lost art- the act of giving a gift that is personal, not bought, not manufactured but made and extended from one heart to another. It is a fine moment, no matter the quality of the creation, when one gives a gift like this. It has proven to be some of my finest hours ( not being egotistically vain in my thoughts about this but rather retrospectively aware). I wish I gave more of these gifts. They take time and well... often is a thing I am short on and then the excuses take hold, rationalization seeps in and soon enough I am off to some retail store to further advocate consumerism and the creative demise of humanity- geez sometimes conviction is so obtrusive to time management!

The gift of song, especially a parody song, about the experiences of others somehow let us all in on the often unspoken truth- we are all in this together. Shhh- don't tell anyone.

I serve in a church and without our volunteers I wouldn't/ couldn't do what we do. It is simply an impossibility for only me to care for so many. I feel the indebtedness and embrace the need while I try fend off my selfish pride and raise up our awesome volunteers. Humbleness is a full-time job- it is counter-human requiring us to step back and shine light on others. Honestly- I don't model it very well but I can say that I try really hard to do so. For this folks can at least give me an E for effort in the endeavor.

This world of ours is such a fragile balance changing with every action we make. Wouldn't it be motivating to realize the influence and impact every good act has on the world and others? When I get a glimpse of this in my life, I feel euphoric and invincible. Being a change agent is continually filled with attack and occasionally sprinkled with awe. I am grateful to at least be trying to make this place better. Today I will choose to live toward betterment, toward justice, and toward love- I will fail often, I will be distracted often, but I will try and it will make a difference. It is almost a lost art- giving a gift from the heart. You ought to try it.

I Saw Jesus at a Wedding Saturday

So I have this long time friend named Leia. She fits in well with me maintaining the status quo characteristics of weirdness, quirk, and yes the ability to muse on obscurities otherwise unnoticed by the lemming populous. Leia and I served together in Coppell at a church helping youth. It was an awesome time to be in ministry and we had some great experiences. Saturday Leia got hitched. It was a great day. She asked me to play my large fiddle (guitar) at the wedding and "just make something up." That sounded fun and I certainly was up for giving something back to her on this special day. Little did I know that Jesus would show up though.

There I was and there they were, all of them and I knew I was in the midst of something holy. Friends upon friends came, most of them I didn't know. They were all different: some Christians, some bloggers, some associates, some old friends, some new and all completely different. It was glorious cross-section of humanity and we all had something in common- our friend. Who our friends are says quite a bit about who we are as humans. I pontificated on the event as it unfolded and found my heart strangely moved. I realized the miracle of a person who can have so many different friends- that relates to them all in some form or fashion. She is living out her faith by the friendships she keeps- by working and caring for so many. I was suddenly in the midst of revelation- both personal and cooperate. I saw Jesus at a wedding on Saturday- as always He surprised me and called me to something more. I, who am so poor in friendships of folks who know me, need to step up and courageously love more. My life would be fuller and my days would be so much richer. Thank you Leia- for letting God use you. I know great things are on her horizon and now I must be about realizing this revelation.

Undeniable It's an epidemic and I am infected

So definitely conformity is way overrated in my world (just read previous blogs and you will see clearly this truth). Being around teenage students is kind of like being dropped off in the Costa Rican jungle with only a leatherman. Let me unpackage this a bit. The jungle is an infectious thing- overwhelmingly beautiful and captivating- full of life, layer upon layer of life. Things have amazing colors and adaptations that make them unique and marvelous. Yet... it is like the law stating for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction- I believe that for every capacity to do good in folk there is an equal and opposite capacity to do bad. The jungle of students is no different. For all of the beauty and majesty there is equal and opposite dire dangers laying in wait out there. I feel like I am in my own episode of "Man vs. Wild" where a plane has dropped me in this teenage jungle with only a very few tools and skills and I am not only supposed to navigate the jungle I am somehow through my work supposed to make it a better place for all of the creation living in it. It is incomprehensibly huge and yet overwhelmingly simple. As jungle-ers, we who serve students must give up, give in, and let go...

On an aside (an A.D.D. moment)... I realize today why the Spirit was depicted in Matthew at Jesus' baptism as a dove. Dove's are weary and shifty, they don't sit anywhere too long, spoke easily, and are relentlessly attached to their mate much like the Holy Spirit and it's attachment to God. About the time I experience the power and presence of the Spirit it is already moved on. That is it's own jungle trying to locate and provide experiences where the Spirit will move and work in my own life and in my students lives.

... I see God is quite capable of navigating for me and through me. Submissive courage, humble empowerment through the Spirit is the only way. Certainly it is not any part of me who makes this jungle of student ministry possible. Thank God that God desires to be in relationship with us all, pursuing us through the deepest jungles, seeking out our lives for His and our hearts for service.

One thing about the jungle, it is way exciting. Not just woo-hoo it is fun exciting, it is like scare the crud out of you, wonder if you are about to die but still think it is pretty cool kind of exciting. Being around teenagers is an epidemic. I can't imagine my life without my students. My call is inexplicable part of me, part of the marrow of my character and life. I love my students. I am rich in so many ways. I am completely infected and I hope I am never cured- don't make me grow up. I hope I always seek out "the second star on the right and head straight on 'till the mornin'" and fly in life.

Give it Away

In the words of a cheesy Capri pant clad Michael W. Smith "Love isn't love 'till you give it away" What he didn't say is that it sucks doing so. Student ministry is like trying to eat steamed rice with smooth chop sticks- you just pray every once in a while a single grain will stick long enough to get it to your mouth- in other words it's hard. I am currently only a year and a half in to investing in these students and already there have been amazing things happen- a LOT of growth and some real measurable depth- all of which I take very little credit for. So if I understand it correctly I am supposed to invest, invest, invest in these lives and in the short amount of time I have to influence them (about 40 hours a year from 6 years so at best 240 hours on influence). Through this time allow them unlimited experiences that have great potential to connect them to a relationship with God, equip them with some tools to share their faith with their friends and serve, serve, serve. No pressure- Right? I am over-sensitized today to the fact that any change within a students life is solely an act of God and God's grace in their lives. How can any of us really expect to change lives apart from God's work on earth? We are so vain though- me especially. God help us all to rise above petty and shallow vanity.
I do love my students. They are always on my mind, consume my thoughts, and challenge my faith in so many ways. I am deeply blessed to do what I do- I don't deserve to get to do it- I understand it as a grace thing and nothing more or less. There are times when I hate it, there are times when I am completely in love with it, and many in-between days. There aren't a lot of boring days and that is a great thing. Today is post graduation Sunday Monday (this makes sense in my mind so that is all that counts right now) and I feel a huge sense of urgency... I know time is "like a bald cheetah." I need desperately to find the space to plan and purpose experiences for my students. That takes a lot of work on the front end but pays off big when it comes to fruition. Simplified, deliberate, and relevant- this is much easier said than done.
My prayer today in the midst of my a.d.h.d. reeling is this: God grant my the legs to run this amazing race of life set before me, the wisdom to see ahead, the courage to press on regardless of the struggle or criticisms, the peace to "woo-saw", the grace to love every student no matter how unlovable they might seem, the power to do what I am called to do, the gentleness to comfort the broken, the hands to serve beyond comfort, and the passion to be unwavering in pursuit of God and God's will on the earth.