Wait wait wait grrrr

Wait... Wait... Wait... Enough already. It is now Sunday and still no baby. I am wholly convinced it ("it" in the sense that we opted to not find out the gender until it enters this world)prefers the comfort of the womb over the inevitable hostilities waiting in the world.
Don't we all at some core level seek out safe havens of comfort. Places where we know that those holding the greatest influence and control in our lives are completely trustworthy? I know this need in myself is filled mainly by the spiritual influence God has in my life. This not as some trite comment about a spiritualized process but rather as a tangible reality where I yield my agenda for one set out for me. It is in the moments that am able to take a backseat that I find assurance. Assurance is a great catalyst for hope. When we are assured in something we can place our trust and dig in our heels to pursue with passion any task at hand.
So here I am- assured at God's love for me and for humanity but doubtful that anytime before the forced arrival into this world this baby will come. Thank God for doctors and for medicine that facilitates this process (miracle). Come tomorrow Andrea and I will be playing man-on-man defense and life will forever be different in the most magnificent way. I am assured by the hope that God might use even me to be about the work and will of the Spirit.
Wait... Wait... Wait...
Pssh just give some potosun and lets get this party started. Shalom Ya'll.

The baby is coming. The baby is coming.

Within one week, Andrea and I will have baby #2- these are exciting times in the Allen household. Having a baby whether the first or any subsequent after- it changes you. These are weird times around the house. I carry my cell wherever I go-even in worship. We know that at any moment things can change and plans must be dropped. It is, in some twisted manner, fun. I love the fact that this week I am making plans with the clause saying I may not be there and if I'm not then carry on without me.
We chose not to find out the sex of our baby. We are both people who enjoy surprise and delight in discovery. There are few people these days who enjoy such things but hey we might be a little weird but let it be know it is a weird by choice. I am hopeful the baby looks more like their mom and can't wait for six months of no sleep. It is an investment in the joy that surely will come from this endeavor. So now- here we are waiting. Waiting on this new baby to get here and break wide eyed into this world so that we can love it as best we know how. Maybe in some miracle of miracles we can through our love investment in them right some wrongs we have caused in days past. It is our legacy. Yes the culmination of a couples effort and investment in a life that with great hope will out-live our lives. It is one of the greatest gift one ever is given second only to the gift of spiritual life.
I am today and everyday- spoiled rotten with blessings that kings could not have imagined. I am rich and joy-filled. I am blessed. I hope and pray that for all those I know and am yet to know that such blessing will spill out into their lives.

Family

To offer this glimpse of me is to unsheathe a bit of the guard I so voraciously defend and eternally adapt for survival. It is of necessity that one must at times reveal a card or two if not for any other purpose than to self-therapize and henceforth self-preservate.

Lets face it all of us have dysfunction alive and well within our family systems- both within our nuclear families and to a greater extent within our regional families. One of my many mantras about family is that "Thy shall ALWAYS love thy family." Lets face it family is hard and there really is no getting around it. They know you at your best and at your worst. There is no facade or cloak to hide in- they know you... the real you. Family is hard for me- my childhood afforded me the privilege of amazing family members who loved me and nurtured me through my childhood and adolescence while I also went through trauma enduring years of abuse. Going home isn't always full of joy and pleasant memories- sometimes it is filled with flashbacks and horror. Family has loved me through it all. Family is supposed to do that- it both the form and function.

My family has roots that run deep- no horror and no storm will uproot the love we share. We are a family of survivors and we are strong. We are prideful for this- we delve merit to endurance and honor to scars. We do our best to be tender- though often we fail. Tenderness is dangerous and borders weakness though it is often necessitated by life.

We are family, blood upon blood. Going home these days gets easier with each trip. God's grace seeps into our horror and heals. It is slow but strong. It is redemptive and freeing. I am only able to live because I belong to the light. God's grace has captivated my life and enslaved me into a life of love and somehow through this slavery I am free. This is a quandary for another day...

I have the best family... because it is MY family. Those are my people. So we will continue to live out life together loving each other even when we might not like each other at times. Over the seasons of our lives, we will love, live, and do our best to "suck the marrow out of life". It is the greatest gift on earth to be given. Our family is our roots, our greatest influence, our greatest legacy, our greatest hope. Aside from God through Christ, our families are our greatest source of love. they are our greatest model of life. They are our greatest well of strength. They are our people and will always be our people.

I wish and pray for church to be this type of family... we still have some growing to do.

Seeing Through a 2X4

I am just recently returning to "normal" life if there is such a thing in student ministry. I have been away for a week and a half for mission service with Ozark Mission Project. It was an incredible time of service and completely exhausting which is always a spiritual event. I think it is because we have to rely on strength from God when we don't have the strength on our own (it has been said that God begins where we end). I always embrace the opportunity to serve in mission and to expose my students to the lives of those in need and see them excel when we heave responsibility and opportunity their way to right even a few wrongs and supply a few needs to others. They ALWAYS rise to the occasion. I love mission trip weeks because I get to see our students at their very best. So much gets accomplished in just a few days of work... rag tag groups of relatively green amateurs get together and through team work accomplish unimaginable feats in a short amount of time. It leaves little room for the unimaginative soul to wonder if there is a God and if He really works in the world. It is faith manifested and revealed. It is a time when awe-filled glory shines forth and scandalous beauty is lived out. It is the good stuff.

It was sort of a week of visions for me. I had two very powerful "episodes" of spiritual revelation. I am not the normal "episode" kind of Christian but it was way real and way powerful. Right now their content will stay between me and the Big Guy at least until I have a better handle on their meaning and direction. I will say however that it was goose-bump filled and plunged me into a type of spiritual euphoria- almost completely indescribable so I won't even dare to try to flesh it out now.

With all of these experiences cumulating I was suddenly aware of the reality that I know nothing. God is all-powerful and all-knowing. I see His ways as well as I see through a 2X4. He is in control and I am humbled by the extravagance of His grace that lets me "approach with boldness to the throne of grace." I am willfully a slave to God's love and work. I am captivated with His movement and inundated with His Spirit to which I cannot hold in. "It is a fire shut up in my bones to which I can no longer hold in." My daily mantra has become the hope that if I rub shoulders with God daily I might become a little more like Him and be used by Him wherever and whenever He wants to work. I want to be a man after God's heart and for this goal I will do my very best to strive. It is a glorious adventure wrought with danger, filled with mouth-agape awe, and completely beyond anything this world has to offer. Isn't life so good? So good? So incredibly good?

You Can't Stomach It

I was quite content. I have been on the wagon of physical training and feeling pretty well about reigning down some discipline on my not so new shell. Loosing a bit of weight and feeling even more spry than normal. As I dusted the sand out of my eyes early Sunday morning readying myself for a day of toil I felt this strange sensation. I did, after all, go to bed feeling quite well. What happened? I felt this strange pinch in my right deltoid as if someone had come in the dark of the night and twisted multiple muscles into a nice, extremely tight braid of carnage. So maybe I overdid the exercise a bit- I am the one who smiles when things begin to hurt during exercise. The pain makes me feel human and reminds me of the cost one must pay to rise above the norm in life- I know call me a narcisist. This maybe is why I love racing triathlons. Finally, I got in for a deep tissue massage (I am hesitant to call it a massage when clearly it involved the complete destruction of my ligaments and muscles surrounding the ache or so it seemed). Much better... Then I caught my sons stomach and atomic diarrhea bug- WOW! Now that was carnage. I am recovering today. I made it to the pool this morning and didn't poo on myself so I think I am on the road to recovery.

In reality these minor stresses aren't even a drop in the boucket of the worries one can undergo. I count myself blessed. I think too often like having a spiritual stomach bug- I can't handle what God wishes me to grab ahold of. Spritually speaking- I have motion sickness and God won't stop moving. It is kind of like my son with butterflies- he loves them and wants to touch them so badly. When he gets close enough, the butterfly takes off and circles him. He is half smiling and half crying in tremendous fear and elation.

So I guess I am, in a spiritual sense, at Six Flags. I made it past the height requirements, ready to board the coaster. My stomach says "no freaking way, you can't stomach this!" and my hearts says "oh yeah bring it!" I am getting on baby and there ain't no stopping me. By the end of the ride I hope I have tears down my eyes, goose bumps on my arms, no sense of others perception of me, jacked up adrenaline, and a profound awareness that I have been right where I need to be. What a ride! What a freaking amazing ride!

It's a Lost Art

Determined to deliver a divine treat I attempted a series of parodies for our volunteers last night at their appreciation banquet. Although I aspire to be a "beat poet" of sorts I am far from grade A but I still gave it a try. I had a blast coming up with the words and preparing a true personal gift for them all. It is almost a lost art- the act of giving a gift that is personal, not bought, not manufactured but made and extended from one heart to another. It is a fine moment, no matter the quality of the creation, when one gives a gift like this. It has proven to be some of my finest hours ( not being egotistically vain in my thoughts about this but rather retrospectively aware). I wish I gave more of these gifts. They take time and well... often is a thing I am short on and then the excuses take hold, rationalization seeps in and soon enough I am off to some retail store to further advocate consumerism and the creative demise of humanity- geez sometimes conviction is so obtrusive to time management!

The gift of song, especially a parody song, about the experiences of others somehow let us all in on the often unspoken truth- we are all in this together. Shhh- don't tell anyone.

I serve in a church and without our volunteers I wouldn't/ couldn't do what we do. It is simply an impossibility for only me to care for so many. I feel the indebtedness and embrace the need while I try fend off my selfish pride and raise up our awesome volunteers. Humbleness is a full-time job- it is counter-human requiring us to step back and shine light on others. Honestly- I don't model it very well but I can say that I try really hard to do so. For this folks can at least give me an E for effort in the endeavor.

This world of ours is such a fragile balance changing with every action we make. Wouldn't it be motivating to realize the influence and impact every good act has on the world and others? When I get a glimpse of this in my life, I feel euphoric and invincible. Being a change agent is continually filled with attack and occasionally sprinkled with awe. I am grateful to at least be trying to make this place better. Today I will choose to live toward betterment, toward justice, and toward love- I will fail often, I will be distracted often, but I will try and it will make a difference. It is almost a lost art- giving a gift from the heart. You ought to try it.

I Saw Jesus at a Wedding Saturday

So I have this long time friend named Leia. She fits in well with me maintaining the status quo characteristics of weirdness, quirk, and yes the ability to muse on obscurities otherwise unnoticed by the lemming populous. Leia and I served together in Coppell at a church helping youth. It was an awesome time to be in ministry and we had some great experiences. Saturday Leia got hitched. It was a great day. She asked me to play my large fiddle (guitar) at the wedding and "just make something up." That sounded fun and I certainly was up for giving something back to her on this special day. Little did I know that Jesus would show up though.

There I was and there they were, all of them and I knew I was in the midst of something holy. Friends upon friends came, most of them I didn't know. They were all different: some Christians, some bloggers, some associates, some old friends, some new and all completely different. It was glorious cross-section of humanity and we all had something in common- our friend. Who our friends are says quite a bit about who we are as humans. I pontificated on the event as it unfolded and found my heart strangely moved. I realized the miracle of a person who can have so many different friends- that relates to them all in some form or fashion. She is living out her faith by the friendships she keeps- by working and caring for so many. I was suddenly in the midst of revelation- both personal and cooperate. I saw Jesus at a wedding on Saturday- as always He surprised me and called me to something more. I, who am so poor in friendships of folks who know me, need to step up and courageously love more. My life would be fuller and my days would be so much richer. Thank you Leia- for letting God use you. I know great things are on her horizon and now I must be about realizing this revelation.

Undeniable It's an epidemic and I am infected

So definitely conformity is way overrated in my world (just read previous blogs and you will see clearly this truth). Being around teenage students is kind of like being dropped off in the Costa Rican jungle with only a leatherman. Let me unpackage this a bit. The jungle is an infectious thing- overwhelmingly beautiful and captivating- full of life, layer upon layer of life. Things have amazing colors and adaptations that make them unique and marvelous. Yet... it is like the law stating for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction- I believe that for every capacity to do good in folk there is an equal and opposite capacity to do bad. The jungle of students is no different. For all of the beauty and majesty there is equal and opposite dire dangers laying in wait out there. I feel like I am in my own episode of "Man vs. Wild" where a plane has dropped me in this teenage jungle with only a very few tools and skills and I am not only supposed to navigate the jungle I am somehow through my work supposed to make it a better place for all of the creation living in it. It is incomprehensibly huge and yet overwhelmingly simple. As jungle-ers, we who serve students must give up, give in, and let go...

On an aside (an A.D.D. moment)... I realize today why the Spirit was depicted in Matthew at Jesus' baptism as a dove. Dove's are weary and shifty, they don't sit anywhere too long, spoke easily, and are relentlessly attached to their mate much like the Holy Spirit and it's attachment to God. About the time I experience the power and presence of the Spirit it is already moved on. That is it's own jungle trying to locate and provide experiences where the Spirit will move and work in my own life and in my students lives.

... I see God is quite capable of navigating for me and through me. Submissive courage, humble empowerment through the Spirit is the only way. Certainly it is not any part of me who makes this jungle of student ministry possible. Thank God that God desires to be in relationship with us all, pursuing us through the deepest jungles, seeking out our lives for His and our hearts for service.

One thing about the jungle, it is way exciting. Not just woo-hoo it is fun exciting, it is like scare the crud out of you, wonder if you are about to die but still think it is pretty cool kind of exciting. Being around teenagers is an epidemic. I can't imagine my life without my students. My call is inexplicable part of me, part of the marrow of my character and life. I love my students. I am rich in so many ways. I am completely infected and I hope I am never cured- don't make me grow up. I hope I always seek out "the second star on the right and head straight on 'till the mornin'" and fly in life.

Give it Away

In the words of a cheesy Capri pant clad Michael W. Smith "Love isn't love 'till you give it away" What he didn't say is that it sucks doing so. Student ministry is like trying to eat steamed rice with smooth chop sticks- you just pray every once in a while a single grain will stick long enough to get it to your mouth- in other words it's hard. I am currently only a year and a half in to investing in these students and already there have been amazing things happen- a LOT of growth and some real measurable depth- all of which I take very little credit for. So if I understand it correctly I am supposed to invest, invest, invest in these lives and in the short amount of time I have to influence them (about 40 hours a year from 6 years so at best 240 hours on influence). Through this time allow them unlimited experiences that have great potential to connect them to a relationship with God, equip them with some tools to share their faith with their friends and serve, serve, serve. No pressure- Right? I am over-sensitized today to the fact that any change within a students life is solely an act of God and God's grace in their lives. How can any of us really expect to change lives apart from God's work on earth? We are so vain though- me especially. God help us all to rise above petty and shallow vanity.
I do love my students. They are always on my mind, consume my thoughts, and challenge my faith in so many ways. I am deeply blessed to do what I do- I don't deserve to get to do it- I understand it as a grace thing and nothing more or less. There are times when I hate it, there are times when I am completely in love with it, and many in-between days. There aren't a lot of boring days and that is a great thing. Today is post graduation Sunday Monday (this makes sense in my mind so that is all that counts right now) and I feel a huge sense of urgency... I know time is "like a bald cheetah." I need desperately to find the space to plan and purpose experiences for my students. That takes a lot of work on the front end but pays off big when it comes to fruition. Simplified, deliberate, and relevant- this is much easier said than done.
My prayer today in the midst of my a.d.h.d. reeling is this: God grant my the legs to run this amazing race of life set before me, the wisdom to see ahead, the courage to press on regardless of the struggle or criticisms, the peace to "woo-saw", the grace to love every student no matter how unlovable they might seem, the power to do what I am called to do, the gentleness to comfort the broken, the hands to serve beyond comfort, and the passion to be unwavering in pursuit of God and God's will on the earth.

FOUND

It had been a long journey- longer than I intended or hoped it to be. Me.. well I ended up empty-handed, broken, wanting, and drowning in a continuous replay of the past. I was stuck, high-centered and out of options. How did it happen? It certainly wasn't any single act on my part- I was anesthetized from the feeling of grace and inebriated by the tonic of self. Drowning, the deep slow sink until the water grows cold and dark and you drift off never to be seen again. Even through my hard work, tenacity and voracity for knowledge and virtue did I still end up here. Oh yeah on the face they all thought I had it together (parents, friends, family) but inside I was a mess. I was effectively lost and empty being tossed by the freshest waves of whatever chose to blow. Nobody knew. Nobody saw. Nobody heard me. That was the day I died.

This was when I was at going into college- no spiritual relationship, no real understanding of God- His grace, His peace, and His redemption. Then over some miraculous people placed in my life and events in my life God sought me out and claimed me as FOUND and I gave in. Hear clearly that it was NO Choice of mine it was God who did the saving- it is after all God that does all the saving. Who are we that at any moment to think we have the power to save ourselves- how egotistical have we become? I have been there and I still find myself drifting towards these shaky waters of self-righteous works. It is quintessential that we gift credit where credit is due- God. No more faith through works mentality, no more self-righteous I am right by the law, no more "I earned it" or better yet "I deserve it"- God through God's deep and unfathomable grace reached into our lives and saved us. Now where am I left after that? A lot less stressful knowing God is well capable of saving my students. Perplexed at illuminating grace in finer detail, overwhelmed by the gray of life and inundated with a love that captures my heart and spurs me into adventure and courageous travel. I am saved by grace alone and every day I live this truth I feel free and full. May all my brothers and sisters of the world be FOUND and full.

Change...

Yesterday was the last day of work here at my church for my friend and fellow missionary Justin Browning. It was a tough day- for me and for many that have grown to know and love Justin. He is still yet a young pup (22) but is wise with spiritual wisdom and tenacious about his pursuit of God's will and work in the church. I had the blessing of working with his these past months and learning from him so many things... I learned that fear is way overrated and that when God calls you being faithful means unapologetically leading towards His goals and will. Justin rocked the house at this- I gained a lot of courage from his examples of conflict and resolution, challenge and growth, peace and war. I was constantly reminded that our family, no matter how "different", doesn't have to affect what we are as God-filled leaders. I learned a lot about leadership, friendship, and the power of having someone that always has your back- we need that in life.
Justin is wise beyond his years. I look forward to continuing in the friendship we share. He is going to be a world changer for God and I can't wait to support him as he lives out his call.

Now about change... well in the words on many of my teenagers "It sucks". It is inevitable though that doesn't make it any easier. Our life is in many ways like the seasons. We may set in to a long time of summer warmth, comfort, peace and then all of a sudden the wind shifts and change is in the air. Before you know it the scenery has changed. Shorts have gave way to jeans and life sheds a few pound of foliage and you are sad. The cold sets in, the sad cold of desolation and death but never fear for spring is on its way. Soon new life, new growth, new hope, and new possibilities arise. I pray for the season of fall and winter in my life and the life of our children's ministry. I do know, however, that spring will come soon enough. Hope FULL of glory and God's grace will again water our lives and gift us with a new adventure. I can't wait. I pray these things also for Justin. May courage lead him into the dangerous wonder of God's work in Tupelo. May the truth of being found by God season the experience and light the direction of our days and may grace fill our missteps and pave our path. Lastly, may courage, relentless courage take root deep in our souls and refuse to go quietly when need manifests itself.

Older than Jesus (but not letting that get me down...too much)

So according to my students I am now older than Jesus... Of all the life time goals I have on my list that never made the page. It was neither a goal to aim for or a benchmark for success in my life but yet here I am. It is however special when I am used in the same sentence as Christ and yet very eerie. I love my students- they breathe life into me and take away life from me- it is a brutal supernova of euphoric experience. While it is true that I am older than Jesus I still feel young in my heart, young in my marriage, young in my fatherhood, and young in my ministry (at least today I do). God certainly has a sense of humor- just the thought of me being called to student ministry is humorous but the list goes on and on. So what if I am older than Jesus- I am just getting started here...
I can't wait to see where and what God will call me to do in the next "Jesus" age of my life. Who knows... I do know this- that it will be the ride of a lifetime. I am so blessed... so incredibly blessed. I pray that everyone might know the blessing of grace.

Ultimate Authority

Obviously this is something I struggle with and I believe and lot of other folk struggle with. At my church we teach on the seven checkpoints as the "quintessential minimum." One of these is "Ultimate Authority" which seeks to unpackage the truth that maximum freedom is found when we place our lives under God's authority. This checkpoint among all the others is very difficult to grasp and even harder to live out in life. I, in particular, am very bad at submission. I feel God's call on my life and the leadership that he has bestowed me and fly when I get to lead so naturally submission to God or to any other authorities is laborious and contrived most often. The concept is almost completely anti-logical- this idea that when we yield to God and submit to His will then we experience true freedom. So we must become a slave to Christ to be free? That sounds biblical...
The more I think about it the more I realize it is a pride issue for me- 'I am no slave!' I think to myself- I keeps me in some false sense of purpose and creates a faux sense of self. Ouch. I guess it is time for me to get on my knees- humbled and real again- acknowledge God's vast wisdom and submit to the deep chasm of grace. Then maybe I will see some more freedom in my life and experience some more clarity in my vocation and ambitions toward God's work on earth. May I have the courage to bow, the wisdom to submit, the guts to survive, the intimate illumination of truth from God and finally experience more and more the freedom awaiting me. May all those that truly seek Him find freedom.

Its a Conspiracy

I set out today to conquer the world (like pinky and brain 'we are going to take over the world') well at least I sat out to get my lazy rear out of bed and get some coffee down me stat before I find my body returning to REM. Made it to daycare and dropped off Zebbie, made it to work, sat at my desk poised for excellence... :) Sounds good doesn't it?
It is now well past 11:00 and I have yet to conquer the world or even do very little to influence or impact a life for the better. I wish this might be a rare occurrence in life but I am afraid it is more the norm.
So what is the conspiracy of my life? Great question... I am yet to fully unearth its essence but I do know part of it is the inherent demise of humans to gravitate toward the middle- to be neither hot not cold but well just OK. It's the apathy of mediocrity and it is poison. As constant as the gravity on earth my life is ever set to find the middle way. I think the world is happy with the majority living in the middle- after all it creates less work, demands less thought, requires less resources for economic retail. If the majority live in the apathy of mediocrity it means that the majority of our churches reside there as well. It is a conspiracy- like the interstate roadways who say come drive the interstate- it is better, faster, etc but don't you compromise a LOT of scenery, a lot of life, for some straight, bland road to a destination? It is a conspiracy- we are being fed lies upon lies and I am guilty as charged.
It is the spirit inside that wants to rebel, to stand up, to create more work, to shout out truth, to uncover the fraud, the lies and to walk the wrong way. I want to live in the discomfort of the truth. To live exposed to God's grace and infiltrated with God's agenda. I want to have the courage to expose the conspiracy with my living, to carve out a life that says different, that screams truth, that captivates others to do likewise. You see... it's a conspiracy and I will NOT be silent, I will NOT back down, I will NOT settle for less than those things God calls me to and no one will take it away from me. It's a conspiracy of mediocrity and the world better just shove off and leave this life alone. I will not go quietly. I will not be less. I will not be afraid.
I am a child of God. I am His and that is more than enough to take over the world. How about you?

infidel

infidel- may I ever be labeled one when it comes to my association with religious institutionalism. May I ever and always strive to not conform to the standardards the insitution, denomination, affiliation, people with money, people with loud voice, people with agendas have for me. I want so badly to cast aside the squeaky wheels in life and hear again the tender voice of my Savior- cling tight to His purpose, direction, and heart. I know when that has happened that my life is rich and full and meaningful beyond words. O that I might not ever lose my God-hearing.
I am guilty, I am the infidel- may it always be so and may I never compromise on the extravagant grace and love found in Christ. May eternal hope and a mysterious Spirit season my life and rule my action. I will not be silent and I will not be moved. I am an infidel.

Blaspheme At Its Best

So my lack of posts lately tell well of my health. I have been inadequately managing my time and foolishly hoarding the tasks of the church and life rather than empowering others to be the church. Church work is awesome and hard or maybe hard and then awesome- it depends on the day. I am called to instruct teenagers on how to live a God-filled life, encourage them, love them, and support them when I myself pretty much sucked at life as a teen. Humbling-yes. Humorous- completely. Sad- often. Convicting- beyond comfort. I am a hypocrite- I preach on things that I struggle with myself, teach on things that I have yet to grasp and instruct on lifestyles and living that I completely botch. So here I am again- a child of God's grace, surrounded by God's mercy and somehow hopeful that I will still be used. Like a broken pot trying to carry water to those in need- I lose a LOT along the way but every once-in-a-while I get some to people who need it and again feel purpose, hope, and usefulness.
I need to rediscover patience, unearth the mission and vision in my heart and equip all those around me. My life and my vocation are so completely bound together there is no separating the two- no identifying one apart from the other- there is "no turning back" as the hymn says. I am His even on my worst days. I pray for the courage to change the things I can, the insight to know the things I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference between the two. I just have today- so today I shall try my best to color outside the lines- listen and feel for the Spirit and try my best not to completely botch the task and mission at hand knowing that it is solely by God's divine and lavish grace that I can do what I do. I am blessed to do this, cursed by my failures and completely helplessly in love with my God. May I stay always and forever in love and I hope that I might have the courage to share a lot of love along the way. I am blessed, richly blessed.

Grace and Only Grace

We all are taught as children to discern right from wrong or at least some dysfunctional redneck-ized family theology that supersedes any logical thought streamlined by normal folk (if there are such people). Me... well my mother and father instilled a deep sense of respect for others especially those older than me which was only reinforced by the great influence of my grandparents on my basic theological and socio-ethical beliefs. I did however inherit a great lacking in the way of political disenfranchisement and legalistic conformity. My father, a veteran of Vietnam, was bitter and deeply wounded from the experience which flowed out into everything else in our family system. This was the mute factor on my political instruction- don't ask was the policy. I did inherit some good theology early on until we were disenfranchised by a condemnation from our local Baptist church for our faithless living- whatever and whoever made them judge I have yet to discover. This diaspora from the church lasted until I was 18- thank the good LORD and Luke Heffley it didn't last longer. This brings me to the burning ember in my heart today- this concept of grace. On an aside- if another "Christian" tells one of my students they are going to Hell because... (there are many on the list) I might just blow my top. When did we as horribly flawed and hopelessly unfaithful to God begin to be self appointed "righteous" judges of our fellow human? Give me a break. We all need to get real and see at least a little past our own navel every once in a while.
Now back to grace... it was grace that wooed me back into the Christian faith and made me alter my life plans, dreams, ambitions, and sacrifice my whole life for. The idea that God's love for humanity was NOT- I repeat NOT dependent upon anything we did or do. That is how I was able to reason a God who loves unconditionally without crashing from misplaced judgement. God's grace is an infallible reality and it is a gentle as a soft breeze at times and other times it is so courageous people would die for its cause. Its is actively just and personally and overwhelmingly pervasive- invading my deepest being and illuminating my hidden places leaving me naked, vulnerable, and exposed to God and others. God's grace is not just a nice, trite word we sling around. It is so deep I can't get my mind totally around yet so liberating that which I do know is hopeful and charged with direction. Nothing in me deserves the gracious life I am offered each day. Nothing in me deserves the influence given me with my students and church. Nothing in me deserves the benefit of a family as full as mine. It is only through God grace, God's gift of grace that I can live today. It is only through God loving grace that I can even look at myself in the mirror- I know he sees each of us as beautiful regardless of our self view- that God, through miracle and wonder created us- our 'isms, our quirk, and yet sees great potential, great hope in each of us- this is a glimpse of grace. If I were to try to live out my life from a fear of Hell I would have stopped living long ago. It is because I experience God grace daily that I find hope and seek to unearth that hope in all of the people I come into contact with. For me it is just this- grace and only grace- to this cause- I will give my life, my hope, my dreams and lay it all down knowing that truth and life live within God grace-filled love for EVERY human. May that grace invade every one's life and change the world from the inside out.

Husband and Dad- what do I know really...

When it comes to the nine months of pregnancy I find myself completely lacking as a supportive, positive influence and advocate for my wife's current morning (all day) sickness. Along the way I missed the class about this. You would think that since we already have gone through this once I would have it down... but I don't and yeah well I need to have it down.
It is such a great time in life to be growing your family and seeing your priorities shift and adjust off of you toward your spouse and children. Now my beat poet, preacher wife is incredibly strong, inspirationally tenacious, and has more endurance than anyone I know. I hope that with each day I can seek out ways to encourage her through these times of odoriferous carnage and edible drought. I desire so deeply to find flesh to being a man of God who loves his wife deeply and meaningfully. I want to discover the hidden treasures of growing through grace, loving beyond self. This life is a fragile balance among so many things and people who "need" your time and attention- for me it is a constant dance between church, teens, adults, family, child, personal wellness, service, and spiritual vitality- to name a few. I wish there was a magical protocol for living out ones life to the fullest. As I peruse the scriptures especially the examples of Jesus I fail at finding instruction on fathering infants and nurturing morning sick wives. I do however see a man who lived out grace and seeded hope into every life he touched. A man who brought out action in every person- some good some bad- but action because an encounter with Him purposed some response and doing nothing was never an option. Jesus was scandalous- scandalously gracious and scandalously truthful. I desire to be both of these no matter what fear factor that might create. I hope that I can be a better dad, a better husband, a better minister and a better human who people see as gracious and honest beyond comfort.
As far as today in my personal life- I act on those things clear, I wait on those things cloudy and I hope to avoid those things that lead me off course. I pray for some tools to be more with my life and an etching of my dreams and thirst for their fulfillment that will never go away.

Beauty for Ashes

This is the title of a great song by Shane and Shane. One that many of my students have grown fond of as well. It wells up in my heart when I think about the symbolism of this created observance of Ash Wednesday. That I might find the courage to let die the things within me that keep God's best from being a reality in my life. That I might replace those things with God's best for me. That I might hail the ashen death on a cross- death of my own wants, selfish ambition, dire consumerism and cling to the rich hope of an empty tomb. That I might through a meek effort of self-sacrifice find the blessing in denial, bounty in the desert. With great hope, I await the arid sky-seeking revelation, aspiration, vision, and finally beauty. May beauty rain down on us all. Such rich beauty that crushes despair and founts hope. Beauty beyond this earth. The beauty of bounty in the importants of life- love, grace, family, faith, social justice, courageous change, and patience guide.

Why I Do This (my eschatology for student ministry)

In it simplest of simple forms- GRACE. I know this appears to be name dropping while perusing the theological vocab of churchy folk but it isn't. Grace in its purest essence is so simple while still being so deep and mind frying. I could teach a person in 30 seconds what grace is and I could spend 3 years teaching it and never run out of fertile teachable ground.
For me to begin to understand why I invest my life in teenagers, aside from the most obvious reasons (insanity, high levels of lithium, absence of maturity, insanity, insanity) , and withholding the churchy answers, I think it helped me to begin to develop my Christialogical eschaton which is inextricably woven into the belief in God's grace for humankind. That somehow through God's eerie mystery and deep majesty a broken clay pot of a human like myself can be found usable and even preferred to be a vessel of grace and love to teens. Not that ever I have lived a day of righteous worth, merited honor, earned blessing, but that only through the patient love and humbling grace of God I am allowed to do what I do. As I am profoundly imprinted day after day through the blessing of service I find worth, peace, gracious burden for others, and love beyond my despairs.
My deep belief that God is in pursuit of human kind- EVERY person and desires to pour out love and grace in their lives drives my passion for ministry and my vision of hope for humanity. That nothing is righteous but that through which the cloak of Christ covers. We all need to experience grace. We are all broken in some way or fashion- even the people who think they aren't. I do this because I have experience God's love through God's profound grace and there was only but one option to my response- pour out those things on all those around me.
I am a man blessed beyond words not of my own action but of the action and work of God through Christ and the Spirit. I have the great privilege of working for and with teens, many whom are not yet or just getting started on their faith journeys. It is my belief that in the end God's grace shall triumph over our lives and love will prevail. That the end times for those cloaked with Christ is but yet a beginning of another mysterious journey into the wild life of grace beyond death.
I do this... because I must respond. I must act on that which has been given me. To do anything less would be complete insanity. I must share the hope, the beauty, the healing, the favor, the enlightenment of our God-made selves with those around me. It is so inextricably me that I can no longer separate my vocation with my self. That which God continues to pour in me, faith, hope, love, and GRACE, must flow into the lives of others. Some days I am faithful to God's lead and some I am not. O that day I might remember why I do this and press on toward the blessings of the day waiting for me as I serve in this world and in the lives of teens.

Ministry and the World

The lethargy I know so well is back today. The burden of the ministry task weighing heavy upon my chest knowing that my small effort in the world has minimal effect. Often the reality of the magnitude of need around me swallows up the hope I see in the few I have the opportunity to serve. O that I might grab hold of faith so strong these feelings and thoughts would dispel and an "emboldened" (not a real word but if the president can use it so should I) hope might permeate within my life deflecting any hint of turning. I pray for a long obedience toward that which I know to be truth and light.

Creation

Newly discovered that Andrea and I are pregnant. We are so excited and sufficiently overwhelmed with the thought of another child. The joy of conception is an unbelievable gift to humankind. That we, who can't even live our own lives with grace, might be endowed with such responsibility, such deep care to be allowed a precious dependant infant- true gift and miracle- each and every one. Not only if that were not absurd enough but that we might be given the role of teaching, maturing, loving, guiding, and caring for this child... we who struggle with our own lives, our own relationships, our own choices. Isn't the circle of life, the burden of legacy incomprehensibly absurd? The only thing I rest in is that children are a gift, maybe a gift of redemption that we might correct wrongs lived out in our childhood through the raising of your children. A gift that through loving your child you might sense the magnitude of love God has for us all. That through this gift, the tsunami of absurd unconditional love fills our lives and invades our hearts. I, as a co-creator with my wife and God, am richly blessed. May God who has lavished blessing continue to grow me in the ways of grace and peace, hope and help, perseverance and courage so that I might be a change agent for love in the world and help other experience the blessing and burden of relationship and creation.

Wedding Clothes

Thoughts on Matt 22
Sunday, Rev. Luke preached on the topic "Hell" which is part of his "You've got questions, we have answers" series. The key passage I found completely captivating. It is one I have read many times but never really grabbed a hold of and peeled back some of the layers. I intend to study further knowing that God has many lessons hiding in this passage for me to learn from.
I have one suit. I named said suit my WF suit- "Wedding- Funeral" suit. Neither of which I enjoy too much. Both are celebrations of new beginnings- one easier to see as that than the other.
The idea of me- flawed, completely broken, undeniably carnal me- being righteous in God's eyes is a real tough one to get my mind and heart around. The concept of being clothed in Christ's righteousness is almost as incomprehensible and my understanding and grasp of the universe- infinite in all directions. Yet at its simplest strata God's uncompromising love for creation made a way beyond our wanton desire for self and denial. Isn't God tenacious, an uncompromisingly pursuer of lives. Me, I rest in the blessing on being in a love relationship with a God who loves me beyond my self-loathing, beyond my sorted past, beyond my theological tragedy, beyond my narrow mindedness, beyond my shallow living into a life with hope and promise. How righteousness clothes me is a mystery indeed. What I do know is this: I never miss a good meal, I found the clothes some time ago and my life has been forever changed. When things get tough I must cling tight to the inevitable truth that God knows how to throw the ultimate party. When it happens- count me in. My prayer is for each of those I know to experience the life-ruining, dream making God who has clothes set aside for each one. Party on!

Legacy Living

Last night was full of blessing. As I watched one of my Sr. High students preach in the Jr. high environment, my life was filled with blessing. Emily the Preacher as we now call her delivered her first sermon ever. The students responded better than they have ever responded from my messages. She captivated their attention and cultivated their spiritual curiosity as she highlighted the blessing of serving. It was one of the first Wednesday nights in a while I haven't felt like my efforts and leadership were found in want and despair permeated my thought. As I settled in last night and read Hebrews 12 the blessing was driven home. "Surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses"- suddenly I saw the burden and blessing of legacy. The legacy that was passed on to me- that cultivated my call, captivated my dreams, and capitulated my hopes. Those "witnesses", those still living and those already passed on, cheer on the hope that through my life and then through those lives of those I influence the legacy of God's grace will carry on. Last night was an incredible window to that hope. I feel the richness of God bounty pouring into my life, the blessing of God's courage filling my mind, and the peace of God's love for humanity captivating my heart.
I hope the legacy I leave through my living will be a uncompromising reflection of the love I have experienced through grace. That through this short time I have here I might be a supernova of influence all to which position and point towards God Almighty.
I am so blessed, so blessed, so incredibly blessed.

Balancing a 2X4

That's a lot of board to balance. Me, I think, that's a lot of life to balance. It is as awkward as keeping a large chunk of wood in the balances. Some days I am strong, tenacious, determined and destined to conquer, inspire, and ultimately cultivate a raised bar for those around me. Other days I just lay down, let it fall on me, and baste in the saline of defeat. Life is the greatest opportunity we are gifted- full of promise, rich with hope, primed with possibility. It is also infiltrated with pain, err, and third-party malign. My prayer, my hope is to grow into a warriors heart. To be courageous in my living, salty in my ethical stances, and model non-conformity in my faith response. My hope is that today, this precious gift of today, that I might balance my 2X4 and enjoy the experience.