Fought the Fight

It has been a long nine weeks. Even with all the angels and dear, sweet people who surrounded me, the darkness swirls at bay. Why am I so weak? So vulnerable? So defenseless? I have begun the downward spiral. I feel it happening as I type. You would think I would have learned by now how to navigate these waters. Blockhead! Stiff necked! Fool! For one who faithfully goes to therapy every week, I seem to be digressing. Piroetting out of control blown by the sickness inside of me. I think sometimes I am just a whinner and should just get over myself and go on with everything like the rest of the world yet I stay here. In the mire and muck. Trudge here and trudge there. Blah, blah, blah. To have the drive I say I have I sure am spineless when it comes to this. Trudge, trudge, trudge.
Grey clouds enfold
dove ner be found
inside rage
red and flamming
piercing bold
yet eerly quiet
modeled as a ghost
haunting
daunting
Go away!
silence
whisper remains
Deaf
Dumb
Go away!
Stay!
ole friend who I know well
Grey remains.

Frustration

We American humans take for granted so many things. Where do I even begin to unpack the ways in which capitalism and suburban life have tainted they way intended for us to see clearly the way in which the world should be and the way in which we should live. Lets start with driving a car since that is one of my current rubs that is almost debilitating to me. I have been told by my doctors that I cannot drive for an indefinite amount of time. I definitely took driving for granted. It is so matter of fact to just jump in your car and go to wherever you want to go. I can't do that and it is freakin' frustrating. I have to depend on others to take me places. I feel like a total dweeb asking to be taken to the store to get simple necessities. I am grown man and I can't just go get the necessities of life. Dependence is like insurgent torture for me. Asking for help has always been a last ditch option for me in the past and yet now it is primary to me living and working. Suck. Major suckage! No matter how patient I may be I feel helpless and that has caused me to take a pretty good dip. I really hate who I am today and that is such a contrary position for all the times that I preach hope for people within my church when I am the one who is feeling hopeless. I guess if I am feeling that way others too may be feeling such things. Andrea is right by saying I could be dead rather than being in the state I currently am. I still have so much more. I pray God will remove the filter on my thoughts and speaking so that I can learn how to speak my mind without the fear of others response. I am definitely being tested in my faith and in my life. This has been a tough go so far and I don't see it getting too much easier any time soon. So it goes and so it is the world in which I live in. God grant me the wisdom to change the things I can and accept the things I can't change.

Suck

"love casts out fear" That was given to me as a gift from a dear friend who said she felt like I need to hear that. The reality is- however nice and true the statement is. I am frustrated and rageful at the station my life is in. Why me and why now? Why can't I drive and work? I feel worthless and lazy. They say I have to take it easy to heal but my body is saying go, go, go. Contradictions. I think Dr's try to do too much and handle to many patients so they can make a few extra bucks. The patients suffer in turn and care diminishes. I have learned about self-advocacy. You don't have to take what any Dr. tells you and it is your right to get a second opinion and most of the time that is a good thing to do. Insurance companies suck let me just say. I have a $2000 deductible before they will pay anything. Okay so that is almost a months worth of my salary. So like that is even realistic to pay for all of that in one fail swoop. I tell others to be faithful stewards of their money while I am struggling to make ends meet. I am such a poser. Isn't there a little light at the end of the tunnel without it being a train this time? Frustrated and tired.