Umm...

Poetic impotence I write in vain struggling to grasp even a piece of truth in this mirey world that I dwell. O that truth might seek me out and resound by my living, profound by my path. O gray I do loath. Mystery gives way overwhelmingly to me, to my, to enculturated pragmatism. Ugh! May beauty rise up and color be my days.

I Saw Jesus at a Wedding Saturday

So I have this long time friend named Leia. She fits in well with me maintaining the status quo characteristics of weirdness, quirk, and yes the ability to muse on obscurities otherwise unnoticed by the lemming populous. Leia and I served together in Coppell at a church helping youth. It was an awesome time to be in ministry and we had some great experiences. Saturday Leia got hitched. It was a great day. She asked me to play my large fiddle (guitar) at the wedding and "just make something up." That sounded fun and I certainly was up for giving something back to her on this special day. Little did I know that Jesus would show up though.

There I was and there they were, all of them and I knew I was in the midst of something holy. Friends upon friends came, most of them I didn't know. They were all different: some Christians, some bloggers, some associates, some old friends, some new and all completely different. It was glorious cross-section of humanity and we all had something in common- our friend. Who our friends are says quite a bit about who we are as humans. I pontificated on the event as it unfolded and found my heart strangely moved. I realized the miracle of a person who can have so many different friends- that relates to them all in some form or fashion. She is living out her faith by the friendships she keeps- by working and caring for so many. I was suddenly in the midst of revelation- both personal and cooperate. I saw Jesus at a wedding on Saturday- as always He surprised me and called me to something more. I, who am so poor in friendships of folks who know me, need to step up and courageously love more. My life would be fuller and my days would be so much richer. Thank you Leia- for letting God use you. I know great things are on her horizon and now I must be about realizing this revelation.

Give it Away

In the words of a cheesy Capri pant clad Michael W. Smith "Love isn't love 'till you give it away" What he didn't say is that it sucks doing so. Student ministry is like trying to eat steamed rice with smooth chop sticks- you just pray every once in a while a single grain will stick long enough to get it to your mouth- in other words it's hard. I am currently only a year and a half in to investing in these students and already there have been amazing things happen- a LOT of growth and some real measurable depth- all of which I take very little credit for. So if I understand it correctly I am supposed to invest, invest, invest in these lives and in the short amount of time I have to influence them (about 40 hours a year from 6 years so at best 240 hours on influence). Through this time allow them unlimited experiences that have great potential to connect them to a relationship with God, equip them with some tools to share their faith with their friends and serve, serve, serve. No pressure- Right? I am over-sensitized today to the fact that any change within a students life is solely an act of God and God's grace in their lives. How can any of us really expect to change lives apart from God's work on earth? We are so vain though- me especially. God help us all to rise above petty and shallow vanity.
I do love my students. They are always on my mind, consume my thoughts, and challenge my faith in so many ways. I am deeply blessed to do what I do- I don't deserve to get to do it- I understand it as a grace thing and nothing more or less. There are times when I hate it, there are times when I am completely in love with it, and many in-between days. There aren't a lot of boring days and that is a great thing. Today is post graduation Sunday Monday (this makes sense in my mind so that is all that counts right now) and I feel a huge sense of urgency... I know time is "like a bald cheetah." I need desperately to find the space to plan and purpose experiences for my students. That takes a lot of work on the front end but pays off big when it comes to fruition. Simplified, deliberate, and relevant- this is much easier said than done.
My prayer today in the midst of my a.d.h.d. reeling is this: God grant my the legs to run this amazing race of life set before me, the wisdom to see ahead, the courage to press on regardless of the struggle or criticisms, the peace to "woo-saw", the grace to love every student no matter how unlovable they might seem, the power to do what I am called to do, the gentleness to comfort the broken, the hands to serve beyond comfort, and the passion to be unwavering in pursuit of God and God's will on the earth.

FOUND

It had been a long journey- longer than I intended or hoped it to be. Me.. well I ended up empty-handed, broken, wanting, and drowning in a continuous replay of the past. I was stuck, high-centered and out of options. How did it happen? It certainly wasn't any single act on my part- I was anesthetized from the feeling of grace and inebriated by the tonic of self. Drowning, the deep slow sink until the water grows cold and dark and you drift off never to be seen again. Even through my hard work, tenacity and voracity for knowledge and virtue did I still end up here. Oh yeah on the face they all thought I had it together (parents, friends, family) but inside I was a mess. I was effectively lost and empty being tossed by the freshest waves of whatever chose to blow. Nobody knew. Nobody saw. Nobody heard me. That was the day I died.

This was when I was at going into college- no spiritual relationship, no real understanding of God- His grace, His peace, and His redemption. Then over some miraculous people placed in my life and events in my life God sought me out and claimed me as FOUND and I gave in. Hear clearly that it was NO Choice of mine it was God who did the saving- it is after all God that does all the saving. Who are we that at any moment to think we have the power to save ourselves- how egotistical have we become? I have been there and I still find myself drifting towards these shaky waters of self-righteous works. It is quintessential that we gift credit where credit is due- God. No more faith through works mentality, no more self-righteous I am right by the law, no more "I earned it" or better yet "I deserve it"- God through God's deep and unfathomable grace reached into our lives and saved us. Now where am I left after that? A lot less stressful knowing God is well capable of saving my students. Perplexed at illuminating grace in finer detail, overwhelmed by the gray of life and inundated with a love that captures my heart and spurs me into adventure and courageous travel. I am saved by grace alone and every day I live this truth I feel free and full. May all my brothers and sisters of the world be FOUND and full.

Ultimate Authority

Obviously this is something I struggle with and I believe and lot of other folk struggle with. At my church we teach on the seven checkpoints as the "quintessential minimum." One of these is "Ultimate Authority" which seeks to unpackage the truth that maximum freedom is found when we place our lives under God's authority. This checkpoint among all the others is very difficult to grasp and even harder to live out in life. I, in particular, am very bad at submission. I feel God's call on my life and the leadership that he has bestowed me and fly when I get to lead so naturally submission to God or to any other authorities is laborious and contrived most often. The concept is almost completely anti-logical- this idea that when we yield to God and submit to His will then we experience true freedom. So we must become a slave to Christ to be free? That sounds biblical...
The more I think about it the more I realize it is a pride issue for me- 'I am no slave!' I think to myself- I keeps me in some false sense of purpose and creates a faux sense of self. Ouch. I guess it is time for me to get on my knees- humbled and real again- acknowledge God's vast wisdom and submit to the deep chasm of grace. Then maybe I will see some more freedom in my life and experience some more clarity in my vocation and ambitions toward God's work on earth. May I have the courage to bow, the wisdom to submit, the guts to survive, the intimate illumination of truth from God and finally experience more and more the freedom awaiting me. May all those that truly seek Him find freedom.

Grace and Only Grace

We all are taught as children to discern right from wrong or at least some dysfunctional redneck-ized family theology that supersedes any logical thought streamlined by normal folk (if there are such people). Me... well my mother and father instilled a deep sense of respect for others especially those older than me which was only reinforced by the great influence of my grandparents on my basic theological and socio-ethical beliefs. I did however inherit a great lacking in the way of political disenfranchisement and legalistic conformity. My father, a veteran of Vietnam, was bitter and deeply wounded from the experience which flowed out into everything else in our family system. This was the mute factor on my political instruction- don't ask was the policy. I did inherit some good theology early on until we were disenfranchised by a condemnation from our local Baptist church for our faithless living- whatever and whoever made them judge I have yet to discover. This diaspora from the church lasted until I was 18- thank the good LORD and Luke Heffley it didn't last longer. This brings me to the burning ember in my heart today- this concept of grace. On an aside- if another "Christian" tells one of my students they are going to Hell because... (there are many on the list) I might just blow my top. When did we as horribly flawed and hopelessly unfaithful to God begin to be self appointed "righteous" judges of our fellow human? Give me a break. We all need to get real and see at least a little past our own navel every once in a while.
Now back to grace... it was grace that wooed me back into the Christian faith and made me alter my life plans, dreams, ambitions, and sacrifice my whole life for. The idea that God's love for humanity was NOT- I repeat NOT dependent upon anything we did or do. That is how I was able to reason a God who loves unconditionally without crashing from misplaced judgement. God's grace is an infallible reality and it is a gentle as a soft breeze at times and other times it is so courageous people would die for its cause. Its is actively just and personally and overwhelmingly pervasive- invading my deepest being and illuminating my hidden places leaving me naked, vulnerable, and exposed to God and others. God's grace is not just a nice, trite word we sling around. It is so deep I can't get my mind totally around yet so liberating that which I do know is hopeful and charged with direction. Nothing in me deserves the gracious life I am offered each day. Nothing in me deserves the influence given me with my students and church. Nothing in me deserves the benefit of a family as full as mine. It is only through God grace, God's gift of grace that I can live today. It is only through God loving grace that I can even look at myself in the mirror- I know he sees each of us as beautiful regardless of our self view- that God, through miracle and wonder created us- our 'isms, our quirk, and yet sees great potential, great hope in each of us- this is a glimpse of grace. If I were to try to live out my life from a fear of Hell I would have stopped living long ago. It is because I experience God grace daily that I find hope and seek to unearth that hope in all of the people I come into contact with. For me it is just this- grace and only grace- to this cause- I will give my life, my hope, my dreams and lay it all down knowing that truth and life live within God grace-filled love for EVERY human. May that grace invade every one's life and change the world from the inside out.

Ministry and the World

The lethargy I know so well is back today. The burden of the ministry task weighing heavy upon my chest knowing that my small effort in the world has minimal effect. Often the reality of the magnitude of need around me swallows up the hope I see in the few I have the opportunity to serve. O that I might grab hold of faith so strong these feelings and thoughts would dispel and an "emboldened" (not a real word but if the president can use it so should I) hope might permeate within my life deflecting any hint of turning. I pray for a long obedience toward that which I know to be truth and light.

Wedding Clothes

Thoughts on Matt 22
Sunday, Rev. Luke preached on the topic "Hell" which is part of his "You've got questions, we have answers" series. The key passage I found completely captivating. It is one I have read many times but never really grabbed a hold of and peeled back some of the layers. I intend to study further knowing that God has many lessons hiding in this passage for me to learn from.
I have one suit. I named said suit my WF suit- "Wedding- Funeral" suit. Neither of which I enjoy too much. Both are celebrations of new beginnings- one easier to see as that than the other.
The idea of me- flawed, completely broken, undeniably carnal me- being righteous in God's eyes is a real tough one to get my mind and heart around. The concept of being clothed in Christ's righteousness is almost as incomprehensible and my understanding and grasp of the universe- infinite in all directions. Yet at its simplest strata God's uncompromising love for creation made a way beyond our wanton desire for self and denial. Isn't God tenacious, an uncompromisingly pursuer of lives. Me, I rest in the blessing on being in a love relationship with a God who loves me beyond my self-loathing, beyond my sorted past, beyond my theological tragedy, beyond my narrow mindedness, beyond my shallow living into a life with hope and promise. How righteousness clothes me is a mystery indeed. What I do know is this: I never miss a good meal, I found the clothes some time ago and my life has been forever changed. When things get tough I must cling tight to the inevitable truth that God knows how to throw the ultimate party. When it happens- count me in. My prayer is for each of those I know to experience the life-ruining, dream making God who has clothes set aside for each one. Party on!