It all changes

So time is like a bald cheetah. This I know is truth. It is both ugly and fast. Beginning November 14 I will embark on an endeavor which will forever change my life. I will begin preaching every Sunday. This means finding a sermon in my heart every week. To be honest, I have waited for this day a long, long, long time. I am truly excited about the task and at the same time terrified. I believe this to be a healthy tension which must always be held to some degree or another.
I wonder if the words will come each week. I wonder if God will continue to speak to me and through me. I wonder if my own spiritual journey will be strengthened. This new service- will it prosper? Is it a work blessed by God and one that will be indwelt with the Holy Spirit? How will people respond? Will it help heal our congregation? Will it generate synergy? how will people respond to my leadership? And the ultimate questions- Will it make a difference in people's lives? I hope so. We will certainly see soon enough.
So if I look a little strange or giddy, it is because I can't wait. Put me in coach I'm ready to play.

Rabbit holes #1

So I am not really that good at listening it turns out. I hear the things I choose to hear and ignore the other. I am discovering that in order for me to be a great preacher I need to listen more to the people that are hearing my sermons. This means the bad with the good, the scathing with the supportive. This scares the hell out of me and yet is a bit exciting. Why is that so?
I am:
1) Prideful
2) Insecure
3) Self-deprecating
4) Scared of the unknown
I am challenged to solicit the help of others when it comes to ministry and ultimately life and lets face it- I suck at this task. I would rather fail than ask for help most of the time. I guess it is time to grow a little bit and put on my big boy pants. Okay so honestly I have to grow a lot.
So in regard to soliciting responses to my sermons...I think it has a lot of potential for me as a pastor to begin to solicit responses and preparation direction when it comes to sermons. We will see how far the rabbit hole goes.

Ministry

Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. II Corinthians 4:1
It's been one long day. About 13 hours of church today. I love getting to preach. I hope I am getting a little better each time I get the opportunity and that, above all else, I bring God glory with what I bring to the table. I think that when I get nervous I come off as pompass when in reality I am scared to death and hoping that I bring some glory to God. Regardless, I love my church.
On a second and more important note- I love my family. My daughter spent most of this afternoon at church with me today and she was a total rock star up on the stage with Taylor and Jennifer. She just jumps into the mix wherever she is. It is so fun to watch her interact with others. I think I am just maybe a little too overprotective of my children- it is always a struggle given my history. I love my wife. She preached 4 services this weekend and was scheduled to preach only one of them. She is steady, passionate, and incredibly gifted. I am so lucky.
This week has a lot of potential. No school and a lot of ministry. Should be great.

sloth

I am preaching on sloth this Sunday. It can be defined as physical, emotional, and spiritual apathy. I thought that it was going to be tough for me to find some stuff to preach on but lets be real this is an epidemic among all of us. When we get bored if a TV show doesn't change angles in 3 second or less- we have a serious problem. I am using the text from Revelation 3 at the address of the lukewarm church- Laodecia. It should be interesting. I hate having to be the prophetic voice. It is never popular but always needed. We are way too comfortable in our church and in our community. I hope that I can organize and articulate the message in a way the is faithful and filled with the Spirit. I am nervous and excited. I guess that is where I need to be. God guide me.

Gray

I suppose that even the greatest of minds have come upon that which cannot be explained and therefore is experienced as an anomaly contradictory to their reasoning norm. There is always a little gray, a little of the not knowing, a little mystery in even the most sound of things.
We are afraid of the gray. The things that you can't explain, you can't dispel, the things which elude even the keenest of minds. Anomalies. I love that about humankind- the not knowing part of it. It implodes our pride and demolishes the meritous argument for self-promotion. There are actual things that are not nor will ever be fully know in this realm. Isn't that satisfying on some plain? Isn't that a relief to know there is no longer pressure to figure it all out?
Maybe even, the not-knowing has in store for us something far greater than that which is known. Could it be that mystery is crowned with something much greater than ourselves?
I don't like the color gray. I have learned to live in it, wrestle with it, and have been changed by its challenges. May you be also.

Criticism

When does one get to a point when criticism becomes yet another way in which growth can occur? It is still so personal, so deeply personal and yet I am called to be a spiritual agitator. Maybe it is because there is just enough truth in all criticism that all our fears swell up and self-disdain pours in. It is always the criticism of those who serve in the trenches with you which cut to the heart and wound us so deeply. Lets be honest- I say some things that I later wish I could have re-worded or even taken back but yet I cannot. There is a thin line between being an authentic truth-teller and a manipulator. I strive so hard to be a truth-teller but yet so many of those who I work with criticize. I think this is at some degree a testimony of their comfort with me. It just doesn't feel like that. I often leave defeated and my heart broken. Why am I so tender-hearted? So vulnerable? So tough on myself? I feel now, more than ever before, a unquenchable passion for the calling to ministry and especially ordination. When I preach I feel the hands of God enfolding me. There is no better feeling in the world. Even when I am at my worst, God is still at God's very best. My heart cries out to God- send me the words even if it hurts. God does, I hurt and yet people are changed. It is worth it. I pray for healing so that I can yet again be a vessel of God's radical inclusivity and scandalous grace.

Enough

Here's the reality, the unvarnished truth about me.
I am human!
I really want to be a superhero. Do everything great. Awe and inspire, teach and preach, lead and love but lets face it- sometimes I just really suck at all of these. I continue to preach sermons that at best would make a decent speech for the Director of Waste disposal at a garbage plant. I am constantly in awe but the problem is that I am constantly in awe that I screw things up so much, forget important stuff, and say the completely wrong things at the most inappropriate times.
Well... again I say, well...
At least there was an empty tomb. There may even be hope for a self-deprecating human who is somehow called to teach and preach hope. Maybe human is just what I need to be to actually be relevant and real to folks. God save me from myself. I am in love with God and God is in love with me. That is enough.