Criticism

When does one get to a point when criticism becomes yet another way in which growth can occur? It is still so personal, so deeply personal and yet I am called to be a spiritual agitator. Maybe it is because there is just enough truth in all criticism that all our fears swell up and self-disdain pours in. It is always the criticism of those who serve in the trenches with you which cut to the heart and wound us so deeply. Lets be honest- I say some things that I later wish I could have re-worded or even taken back but yet I cannot. There is a thin line between being an authentic truth-teller and a manipulator. I strive so hard to be a truth-teller but yet so many of those who I work with criticize. I think this is at some degree a testimony of their comfort with me. It just doesn't feel like that. I often leave defeated and my heart broken. Why am I so tender-hearted? So vulnerable? So tough on myself? I feel now, more than ever before, a unquenchable passion for the calling to ministry and especially ordination. When I preach I feel the hands of God enfolding me. There is no better feeling in the world. Even when I am at my worst, God is still at God's very best. My heart cries out to God- send me the words even if it hurts. God does, I hurt and yet people are changed. It is worth it. I pray for healing so that I can yet again be a vessel of God's radical inclusivity and scandalous grace.