Husband and Dad- what do I know really...

When it comes to the nine months of pregnancy I find myself completely lacking as a supportive, positive influence and advocate for my wife's current morning (all day) sickness. Along the way I missed the class about this. You would think that since we already have gone through this once I would have it down... but I don't and yeah well I need to have it down.
It is such a great time in life to be growing your family and seeing your priorities shift and adjust off of you toward your spouse and children. Now my beat poet, preacher wife is incredibly strong, inspirationally tenacious, and has more endurance than anyone I know. I hope that with each day I can seek out ways to encourage her through these times of odoriferous carnage and edible drought. I desire so deeply to find flesh to being a man of God who loves his wife deeply and meaningfully. I want to discover the hidden treasures of growing through grace, loving beyond self. This life is a fragile balance among so many things and people who "need" your time and attention- for me it is a constant dance between church, teens, adults, family, child, personal wellness, service, and spiritual vitality- to name a few. I wish there was a magical protocol for living out ones life to the fullest. As I peruse the scriptures especially the examples of Jesus I fail at finding instruction on fathering infants and nurturing morning sick wives. I do however see a man who lived out grace and seeded hope into every life he touched. A man who brought out action in every person- some good some bad- but action because an encounter with Him purposed some response and doing nothing was never an option. Jesus was scandalous- scandalously gracious and scandalously truthful. I desire to be both of these no matter what fear factor that might create. I hope that I can be a better dad, a better husband, a better minister and a better human who people see as gracious and honest beyond comfort.
As far as today in my personal life- I act on those things clear, I wait on those things cloudy and I hope to avoid those things that lead me off course. I pray for some tools to be more with my life and an etching of my dreams and thirst for their fulfillment that will never go away.

Beauty for Ashes

This is the title of a great song by Shane and Shane. One that many of my students have grown fond of as well. It wells up in my heart when I think about the symbolism of this created observance of Ash Wednesday. That I might find the courage to let die the things within me that keep God's best from being a reality in my life. That I might replace those things with God's best for me. That I might hail the ashen death on a cross- death of my own wants, selfish ambition, dire consumerism and cling to the rich hope of an empty tomb. That I might through a meek effort of self-sacrifice find the blessing in denial, bounty in the desert. With great hope, I await the arid sky-seeking revelation, aspiration, vision, and finally beauty. May beauty rain down on us all. Such rich beauty that crushes despair and founts hope. Beauty beyond this earth. The beauty of bounty in the importants of life- love, grace, family, faith, social justice, courageous change, and patience guide.

Why I Do This (my eschatology for student ministry)

In it simplest of simple forms- GRACE. I know this appears to be name dropping while perusing the theological vocab of churchy folk but it isn't. Grace in its purest essence is so simple while still being so deep and mind frying. I could teach a person in 30 seconds what grace is and I could spend 3 years teaching it and never run out of fertile teachable ground.
For me to begin to understand why I invest my life in teenagers, aside from the most obvious reasons (insanity, high levels of lithium, absence of maturity, insanity, insanity) , and withholding the churchy answers, I think it helped me to begin to develop my Christialogical eschaton which is inextricably woven into the belief in God's grace for humankind. That somehow through God's eerie mystery and deep majesty a broken clay pot of a human like myself can be found usable and even preferred to be a vessel of grace and love to teens. Not that ever I have lived a day of righteous worth, merited honor, earned blessing, but that only through the patient love and humbling grace of God I am allowed to do what I do. As I am profoundly imprinted day after day through the blessing of service I find worth, peace, gracious burden for others, and love beyond my despairs.
My deep belief that God is in pursuit of human kind- EVERY person and desires to pour out love and grace in their lives drives my passion for ministry and my vision of hope for humanity. That nothing is righteous but that through which the cloak of Christ covers. We all need to experience grace. We are all broken in some way or fashion- even the people who think they aren't. I do this because I have experience God's love through God's profound grace and there was only but one option to my response- pour out those things on all those around me.
I am a man blessed beyond words not of my own action but of the action and work of God through Christ and the Spirit. I have the great privilege of working for and with teens, many whom are not yet or just getting started on their faith journeys. It is my belief that in the end God's grace shall triumph over our lives and love will prevail. That the end times for those cloaked with Christ is but yet a beginning of another mysterious journey into the wild life of grace beyond death.
I do this... because I must respond. I must act on that which has been given me. To do anything less would be complete insanity. I must share the hope, the beauty, the healing, the favor, the enlightenment of our God-made selves with those around me. It is so inextricably me that I can no longer separate my vocation with my self. That which God continues to pour in me, faith, hope, love, and GRACE, must flow into the lives of others. Some days I am faithful to God's lead and some I am not. O that day I might remember why I do this and press on toward the blessings of the day waiting for me as I serve in this world and in the lives of teens.

Ministry and the World

The lethargy I know so well is back today. The burden of the ministry task weighing heavy upon my chest knowing that my small effort in the world has minimal effect. Often the reality of the magnitude of need around me swallows up the hope I see in the few I have the opportunity to serve. O that I might grab hold of faith so strong these feelings and thoughts would dispel and an "emboldened" (not a real word but if the president can use it so should I) hope might permeate within my life deflecting any hint of turning. I pray for a long obedience toward that which I know to be truth and light.

Creation

Newly discovered that Andrea and I are pregnant. We are so excited and sufficiently overwhelmed with the thought of another child. The joy of conception is an unbelievable gift to humankind. That we, who can't even live our own lives with grace, might be endowed with such responsibility, such deep care to be allowed a precious dependant infant- true gift and miracle- each and every one. Not only if that were not absurd enough but that we might be given the role of teaching, maturing, loving, guiding, and caring for this child... we who struggle with our own lives, our own relationships, our own choices. Isn't the circle of life, the burden of legacy incomprehensibly absurd? The only thing I rest in is that children are a gift, maybe a gift of redemption that we might correct wrongs lived out in our childhood through the raising of your children. A gift that through loving your child you might sense the magnitude of love God has for us all. That through this gift, the tsunami of absurd unconditional love fills our lives and invades our hearts. I, as a co-creator with my wife and God, am richly blessed. May God who has lavished blessing continue to grow me in the ways of grace and peace, hope and help, perseverance and courage so that I might be a change agent for love in the world and help other experience the blessing and burden of relationship and creation.

Wedding Clothes

Thoughts on Matt 22
Sunday, Rev. Luke preached on the topic "Hell" which is part of his "You've got questions, we have answers" series. The key passage I found completely captivating. It is one I have read many times but never really grabbed a hold of and peeled back some of the layers. I intend to study further knowing that God has many lessons hiding in this passage for me to learn from.
I have one suit. I named said suit my WF suit- "Wedding- Funeral" suit. Neither of which I enjoy too much. Both are celebrations of new beginnings- one easier to see as that than the other.
The idea of me- flawed, completely broken, undeniably carnal me- being righteous in God's eyes is a real tough one to get my mind and heart around. The concept of being clothed in Christ's righteousness is almost as incomprehensible and my understanding and grasp of the universe- infinite in all directions. Yet at its simplest strata God's uncompromising love for creation made a way beyond our wanton desire for self and denial. Isn't God tenacious, an uncompromisingly pursuer of lives. Me, I rest in the blessing on being in a love relationship with a God who loves me beyond my self-loathing, beyond my sorted past, beyond my theological tragedy, beyond my narrow mindedness, beyond my shallow living into a life with hope and promise. How righteousness clothes me is a mystery indeed. What I do know is this: I never miss a good meal, I found the clothes some time ago and my life has been forever changed. When things get tough I must cling tight to the inevitable truth that God knows how to throw the ultimate party. When it happens- count me in. My prayer is for each of those I know to experience the life-ruining, dream making God who has clothes set aside for each one. Party on!

Legacy Living

Last night was full of blessing. As I watched one of my Sr. High students preach in the Jr. high environment, my life was filled with blessing. Emily the Preacher as we now call her delivered her first sermon ever. The students responded better than they have ever responded from my messages. She captivated their attention and cultivated their spiritual curiosity as she highlighted the blessing of serving. It was one of the first Wednesday nights in a while I haven't felt like my efforts and leadership were found in want and despair permeated my thought. As I settled in last night and read Hebrews 12 the blessing was driven home. "Surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses"- suddenly I saw the burden and blessing of legacy. The legacy that was passed on to me- that cultivated my call, captivated my dreams, and capitulated my hopes. Those "witnesses", those still living and those already passed on, cheer on the hope that through my life and then through those lives of those I influence the legacy of God's grace will carry on. Last night was an incredible window to that hope. I feel the richness of God bounty pouring into my life, the blessing of God's courage filling my mind, and the peace of God's love for humanity captivating my heart.
I hope the legacy I leave through my living will be a uncompromising reflection of the love I have experienced through grace. That through this short time I have here I might be a supernova of influence all to which position and point towards God Almighty.
I am so blessed, so blessed, so incredibly blessed.