Fought the Fight

It has been a long nine weeks. Even with all the angels and dear, sweet people who surrounded me, the darkness swirls at bay. Why am I so weak? So vulnerable? So defenseless? I have begun the downward spiral. I feel it happening as I type. You would think I would have learned by now how to navigate these waters. Blockhead! Stiff necked! Fool! For one who faithfully goes to therapy every week, I seem to be digressing. Piroetting out of control blown by the sickness inside of me. I think sometimes I am just a whinner and should just get over myself and go on with everything like the rest of the world yet I stay here. In the mire and muck. Trudge here and trudge there. Blah, blah, blah. To have the drive I say I have I sure am spineless when it comes to this. Trudge, trudge, trudge.
Grey clouds enfold
dove ner be found
inside rage
red and flamming
piercing bold
yet eerly quiet
modeled as a ghost
haunting
daunting
Go away!
silence
whisper remains
Deaf
Dumb
Go away!
Stay!
ole friend who I know well
Grey remains.

Frustration

We American humans take for granted so many things. Where do I even begin to unpack the ways in which capitalism and suburban life have tainted they way intended for us to see clearly the way in which the world should be and the way in which we should live. Lets start with driving a car since that is one of my current rubs that is almost debilitating to me. I have been told by my doctors that I cannot drive for an indefinite amount of time. I definitely took driving for granted. It is so matter of fact to just jump in your car and go to wherever you want to go. I can't do that and it is freakin' frustrating. I have to depend on others to take me places. I feel like a total dweeb asking to be taken to the store to get simple necessities. I am grown man and I can't just go get the necessities of life. Dependence is like insurgent torture for me. Asking for help has always been a last ditch option for me in the past and yet now it is primary to me living and working. Suck. Major suckage! No matter how patient I may be I feel helpless and that has caused me to take a pretty good dip. I really hate who I am today and that is such a contrary position for all the times that I preach hope for people within my church when I am the one who is feeling hopeless. I guess if I am feeling that way others too may be feeling such things. Andrea is right by saying I could be dead rather than being in the state I currently am. I still have so much more. I pray God will remove the filter on my thoughts and speaking so that I can learn how to speak my mind without the fear of others response. I am definitely being tested in my faith and in my life. This has been a tough go so far and I don't see it getting too much easier any time soon. So it goes and so it is the world in which I live in. God grant me the wisdom to change the things I can and accept the things I can't change.

Suck

"love casts out fear" That was given to me as a gift from a dear friend who said she felt like I need to hear that. The reality is- however nice and true the statement is. I am frustrated and rageful at the station my life is in. Why me and why now? Why can't I drive and work? I feel worthless and lazy. They say I have to take it easy to heal but my body is saying go, go, go. Contradictions. I think Dr's try to do too much and handle to many patients so they can make a few extra bucks. The patients suffer in turn and care diminishes. I have learned about self-advocacy. You don't have to take what any Dr. tells you and it is your right to get a second opinion and most of the time that is a good thing to do. Insurance companies suck let me just say. I have a $2000 deductible before they will pay anything. Okay so that is almost a months worth of my salary. So like that is even realistic to pay for all of that in one fail swoop. I tell others to be faithful stewards of their money while I am struggling to make ends meet. I am such a poser. Isn't there a little light at the end of the tunnel without it being a train this time? Frustrated and tired.

It all changes

So time is like a bald cheetah. This I know is truth. It is both ugly and fast. Beginning November 14 I will embark on an endeavor which will forever change my life. I will begin preaching every Sunday. This means finding a sermon in my heart every week. To be honest, I have waited for this day a long, long, long time. I am truly excited about the task and at the same time terrified. I believe this to be a healthy tension which must always be held to some degree or another.
I wonder if the words will come each week. I wonder if God will continue to speak to me and through me. I wonder if my own spiritual journey will be strengthened. This new service- will it prosper? Is it a work blessed by God and one that will be indwelt with the Holy Spirit? How will people respond? Will it help heal our congregation? Will it generate synergy? how will people respond to my leadership? And the ultimate questions- Will it make a difference in people's lives? I hope so. We will certainly see soon enough.
So if I look a little strange or giddy, it is because I can't wait. Put me in coach I'm ready to play.

Rabbit holes #1

So I am not really that good at listening it turns out. I hear the things I choose to hear and ignore the other. I am discovering that in order for me to be a great preacher I need to listen more to the people that are hearing my sermons. This means the bad with the good, the scathing with the supportive. This scares the hell out of me and yet is a bit exciting. Why is that so?
I am:
1) Prideful
2) Insecure
3) Self-deprecating
4) Scared of the unknown
I am challenged to solicit the help of others when it comes to ministry and ultimately life and lets face it- I suck at this task. I would rather fail than ask for help most of the time. I guess it is time to grow a little bit and put on my big boy pants. Okay so honestly I have to grow a lot.
So in regard to soliciting responses to my sermons...I think it has a lot of potential for me as a pastor to begin to solicit responses and preparation direction when it comes to sermons. We will see how far the rabbit hole goes.

Ministry

Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. II Corinthians 4:1
It's been one long day. About 13 hours of church today. I love getting to preach. I hope I am getting a little better each time I get the opportunity and that, above all else, I bring God glory with what I bring to the table. I think that when I get nervous I come off as pompass when in reality I am scared to death and hoping that I bring some glory to God. Regardless, I love my church.
On a second and more important note- I love my family. My daughter spent most of this afternoon at church with me today and she was a total rock star up on the stage with Taylor and Jennifer. She just jumps into the mix wherever she is. It is so fun to watch her interact with others. I think I am just maybe a little too overprotective of my children- it is always a struggle given my history. I love my wife. She preached 4 services this weekend and was scheduled to preach only one of them. She is steady, passionate, and incredibly gifted. I am so lucky.
This week has a lot of potential. No school and a lot of ministry. Should be great.

sloth

I am preaching on sloth this Sunday. It can be defined as physical, emotional, and spiritual apathy. I thought that it was going to be tough for me to find some stuff to preach on but lets be real this is an epidemic among all of us. When we get bored if a TV show doesn't change angles in 3 second or less- we have a serious problem. I am using the text from Revelation 3 at the address of the lukewarm church- Laodecia. It should be interesting. I hate having to be the prophetic voice. It is never popular but always needed. We are way too comfortable in our church and in our community. I hope that I can organize and articulate the message in a way the is faithful and filled with the Spirit. I am nervous and excited. I guess that is where I need to be. God guide me.

Gray

I suppose that even the greatest of minds have come upon that which cannot be explained and therefore is experienced as an anomaly contradictory to their reasoning norm. There is always a little gray, a little of the not knowing, a little mystery in even the most sound of things.
We are afraid of the gray. The things that you can't explain, you can't dispel, the things which elude even the keenest of minds. Anomalies. I love that about humankind- the not knowing part of it. It implodes our pride and demolishes the meritous argument for self-promotion. There are actual things that are not nor will ever be fully know in this realm. Isn't that satisfying on some plain? Isn't that a relief to know there is no longer pressure to figure it all out?
Maybe even, the not-knowing has in store for us something far greater than that which is known. Could it be that mystery is crowned with something much greater than ourselves?
I don't like the color gray. I have learned to live in it, wrestle with it, and have been changed by its challenges. May you be also.

Criticism

When does one get to a point when criticism becomes yet another way in which growth can occur? It is still so personal, so deeply personal and yet I am called to be a spiritual agitator. Maybe it is because there is just enough truth in all criticism that all our fears swell up and self-disdain pours in. It is always the criticism of those who serve in the trenches with you which cut to the heart and wound us so deeply. Lets be honest- I say some things that I later wish I could have re-worded or even taken back but yet I cannot. There is a thin line between being an authentic truth-teller and a manipulator. I strive so hard to be a truth-teller but yet so many of those who I work with criticize. I think this is at some degree a testimony of their comfort with me. It just doesn't feel like that. I often leave defeated and my heart broken. Why am I so tender-hearted? So vulnerable? So tough on myself? I feel now, more than ever before, a unquenchable passion for the calling to ministry and especially ordination. When I preach I feel the hands of God enfolding me. There is no better feeling in the world. Even when I am at my worst, God is still at God's very best. My heart cries out to God- send me the words even if it hurts. God does, I hurt and yet people are changed. It is worth it. I pray for healing so that I can yet again be a vessel of God's radical inclusivity and scandalous grace.

Enough

Here's the reality, the unvarnished truth about me.
I am human!
I really want to be a superhero. Do everything great. Awe and inspire, teach and preach, lead and love but lets face it- sometimes I just really suck at all of these. I continue to preach sermons that at best would make a decent speech for the Director of Waste disposal at a garbage plant. I am constantly in awe but the problem is that I am constantly in awe that I screw things up so much, forget important stuff, and say the completely wrong things at the most inappropriate times.
Well... again I say, well...
At least there was an empty tomb. There may even be hope for a self-deprecating human who is somehow called to teach and preach hope. Maybe human is just what I need to be to actually be relevant and real to folks. God save me from myself. I am in love with God and God is in love with me. That is enough.

Thoughts on "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?"

Tonight is not so much a celebration but rather a remembrance of the reality of struggle, the cost of suffering, and the path of faithfulness. Jesus actively confronted the evils and unfaithfulness of his day non-violently. His words and his actions stirred up trouble wherever he went. If we are going to choose to follow Jesus and model our lives after his, we can expect similar resistance and even violence. When you confront people, they get angry. When you engage in truth-telling it will certainly make people angry. You see prophets aren’t popular and revealing people’s sins isn’t a safe occupation. In fact, it is scandalous.

We can’t experience the fullness of the divinity of Jesus without experiencing the reality of his humanity. We must ask how Jesus’ words and actions got him to this place- nailed to a cross, sentenced to die as a criminal guilty of the most heinous of sins? I believe it was speaking truth. The unvarnished, in your face, won’t back down, and I’m not scared truth which reveals sin, our sin. Yet He did it all out of love for humanity and the desire to repair the brokenness in all of us.

Now lets get honest about where we find Jesus in this passage. Jesus was not thanking God that he was on the cross, suffering, and dying. I believe all of us can agree to this fact. I have a 2 and 4 year old. When I put them in time out, they don’t reply with a robust “thank you dad”. Instead, with big crocodile tears, they take their place on the fireplace ledge and wait out their sentence.

In our scripture tonight we find Jesus crying out to God. This is not some simple gentle whisper it is an all that he can muster crying out to God. He cry’s out “Why”. We all ask the why questions in life, especially when life gets rough. When tragedy strikes, when we are injured, the why questions are the first to come. When great loss is experienced and when injustice seems to win the day, the why questions pour in. It is in the desert of forsakenness that the why’s in life are shouted to God.

So what are we to do tonight with Christ’s suffering, his seemingly human “Why” response and God’s silence to the issue? Why is God so silent? Why is God so silent? Why is God so silent? The powerlessness of the cross, the why of Jesus, his morbid forsakenness is does not fade into nothingness. It is the beginning of something new. You see, we all need some crucifixion in our own lives. Let’s face it, we need some things to die in our lives. They are just a little too full, a little too crowded for God to bring on the bounty of the resurrection. My hope is that even in the midst of God placing some of the most valued things in our lives on the cross, we might find that in the end of the journey something far more. My brothers and sisters, the cross, the why’s, the “via de la rosa” is not the end of the story. Dare we all stretch our arms in submission and let God in God’s sovereign silence allow the death of our most prized stumbling blocks. Forsakeness. Why. Silence. When will it end? Fear not, deliverance is coming.

Worship bites and I don't know how to change it

I am so angry at today's culture. It pisses me off that we are bombarded by all of these things- especially technologically which scream at us what to believe and what to invest in and how to spend our time. Give me a freaking break. I have sixth graders that are avid texters and twitters. 7th and 8th graders find it impossible to not text during a worship service. To ask them to do so, is to restrict them unfairly and oppressively. That leaves me to the question and grand struggle of the day for me:
How do we engage the teenagers of today in an authentic worship? Ultimately, how do we engage anyone in authentic worship today? I mean this by offering a unwavering and focused attentiveness to God almighty. Lets face it- at its very best we might touch the surface of this idea. At its worst we see worship as a glorified form of entertainment. Somewhere in the middle worship is done just out of a sense of duty. A lot of my teens just endure worship so they can then visit with their friends. What does this truly say about the efficacy of worship? What does this say about our church? Our faith? Our authenticity? What does it say when you can't hear people singing during worship music because of everyone talking and joking around with each other? What does it say when the loudest talking is coming from the adult leaders? What do I say to a worship team that feels defeated and demoralized because they offer their very best and it goes unappreciated and undervalued?
To be honest, I want to cancel it all and start over. It makes me so angry that this is where we are. Does anyone really care? Do they even need worship? Ok so they all need worship but do they even have a clue of this fact? Do they even want to worship?
Someone throw me a freaking bone here. I believe that we offer some of the very best worship music and best relevant preaching for teens around and yet we are experience this apathetic pathetic worship.
How do I solve this?

Time

Hootie said it spot on: "Time, why do you punish me". So lets see- I am supposed to be modeling a life of faith for everyone else. I believe that includes both a spiritual life of faith and a physical life that reflects that faith. However, I am currently modeling busyness, 30 pounds overweight, struggling spiritual disciplines, sacrificed time with my family, mismanaged stress, oh yeah did I say mismanaged stress? Maybe this is what can make a pastor real. After all, I am leaving a lot of room for the spirit to work. I at least am a real person with real struggles and real problems. I don't have it all together- like that was ever a question. However, God is so big. When we are weak, God is strong. In our wanting, God is there filling. May it be forever so. Down every path I travel. Failure or success. God save me.

Me and Me

Why is it so difficult to maintain a healthy level of self-esteem? Just when I think I have just about got it right it seems that I have inevitably become prideful and a pompass butt. It is true that everyone has a butt however some are significantly larger than others. How then can there be some checks and balances established to guide me into a balance between the extremes of hating myself or loving myself too much?
I have no answers to this quandary just more and more questions. I guess I will have to be alright with that for now.

Contrition

I am apathetic. When did this happen? I thought I was being careful and yet here I am. A skeptic, comfortably numb. Where do I go from here and how do I begin to unearth this? Help.

Undecided

Lame. As I sit here, I am deeply sad. Overwhelmingly troubled. "Why are you so downcast O my soul?"- PS 42
Why do I have to deal with this crap and internalize, prioritize and negate personal needs just to be faithful to the institution and my own perfection issues?
I am in total depravity? For all that I thought was gain, is but total waste in the sight of God. Forgive me. Forgive my incomparable inability to stay the course, live joy, and be faithful to my call.
Lame. I am lame.

Tranparent and Wanting

I am broken. I am tired of apologizing for this. People just need to get over it. Every struggle others have with this reality is a "pot kettle" conversation so today I am done with it. So who gives a crap that I screw up all the time and am certainly broken- wholly flawed and hopelessly found wanting.

Why is it then, that I still feel guilt every day because I can't get it right? Because I fail to meet expectations others put on me? Because I fail to perfect husbandry, fatherhood, and Christendom?

I dare say that it is honestly my lack of faith and hopeless insecurity as a man of God. My sarcasm attempts to cover my insecurities only to come across as arrogance and jaded elitist pageantry.

I am of total depravity. Today I sit in a room with hundreds of pastors who have served more years than I have been alive. How do I then even begin to reconcile my complete "suckiness" as a pastor, Christian, and human? Doesn't honesty blow?

The Prophetic Voice

Finding one's voice is a life-long journey. I am not speaking to the vernacular nor the articulation of one's native language. I am speaking to the God-made prophetic voice within each individual that sees and wants to speak truth to individuals and situations that need critique and correction. So what's the problem with us all to use and speak to the voice within us?

I believe it is blood. You will bleed when you begin to use this voice. You will make good friends angry- even violently seeking retributive justice for your words which cut so deep. The speak truth, is to invite conflict but also ignite change. People resist change at almost any cost.

I hope I can find enough courage, enough guts to use the prophetic voice God has put inside me for it has become like a burning coal shut up in my bones and I have become weary of holding it in and indeed I cannot.

May we all strive to give voice to that which lies within us all for then true joy, true character, authentic living rises and lives.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

Unvarnished and Unapologetic

So here it is: If I am guilty of anything I hope it is the following:

1) loving people too much- all people! So I love gay and lesbian, black, white, Mexican, drug addicts, drunks, trailer trash, suburban middle class, Latino, poor, and I guess rich if I have too- this pretty much makes a lot of people angry. I love the angry too. If I wasn't convicted to do this, I would take the road most traveled and just try not to rock the boat but I can't. It is not that I won't. It is that I can't. It has become a calling, beyond a socio-ethic to a spiritual act of faithfulness. What I struggle with is loving the victim and the victimizer, the outcast and those who has ostracized, the minority and the majority, the angry and the sad, the hurtful and the harmless - all the same.

2) Being faithful. Not the nice neat- they told me so therefore this is how I act sort of thing but the faithfulness that transcends comfort. I want to be so faithful that it drives people crazy. When people see radical faithfulness (by the way there is no difference in true faithfulness and radical faithfulness except its rarity in today's world), they get angry but this is only the first phase. The second phase is hopefully reflection. The questions begin. Things can no longer be so cut and dry. Then searching ensues and hopefully a new reality is established that is more faithful. Myself- I am of the utmost sinners- the list is long, sorted and pathetically repetitive but I am a work in progress.

3) Be able to take criticism- whether jaded or gentle- and grow from it without wrecking my life, my self, and my calling. I am no where close to this one but hopefully someday I will be mature enough to handle this. I want to meet someone who can model this for me- so far everyone I meet struggles with this too. There are a lot of people who do well to dish it out and no one who can just take it- someone who can mine out the Truth and discard the trash and grow from the experience.

4) Listen. The kind that whenever people walk away they know that they have been heard. This comes from the first three actively in place.

5) Being real. The unvarnished, unapologetic real God-made man that I was created to be- even if there are times that my true identity and true self make people uncomfortable or even angry.

6) Beat the stats. Live longer, stronger, wiser, and more generous than what was modeled to me- by the way both of my parents are gonna be hard to beat at this.

So first and foremost I am guilty of a lot of unfaithfulness of two main varieties: 1) my own actual sins- both those I which I know and still do and those of which are off my radar but in my ignorance I inflict on others and 2) fear- that which prevents me from being and realizing the best inside me.

Lastly, in my smoke and mirrors, I try to cover up my ignorance with fancy words and novel idealism's yet I am still me. I hope that I can be me- more me every day- not the me that I want but the me that God wants- and hopefully along the way sort out the two and discard the first. So I guess its time to take out the trash, make some room for some new work, and keep on keepin on.

If I see you on the "via de la rosa" we can bleed together. Peace.