Time

Hootie said it spot on: "Time, why do you punish me". So lets see- I am supposed to be modeling a life of faith for everyone else. I believe that includes both a spiritual life of faith and a physical life that reflects that faith. However, I am currently modeling busyness, 30 pounds overweight, struggling spiritual disciplines, sacrificed time with my family, mismanaged stress, oh yeah did I say mismanaged stress? Maybe this is what can make a pastor real. After all, I am leaving a lot of room for the spirit to work. I at least am a real person with real struggles and real problems. I don't have it all together- like that was ever a question. However, God is so big. When we are weak, God is strong. In our wanting, God is there filling. May it be forever so. Down every path I travel. Failure or success. God save me.

Me and Me

Why is it so difficult to maintain a healthy level of self-esteem? Just when I think I have just about got it right it seems that I have inevitably become prideful and a pompass butt. It is true that everyone has a butt however some are significantly larger than others. How then can there be some checks and balances established to guide me into a balance between the extremes of hating myself or loving myself too much?
I have no answers to this quandary just more and more questions. I guess I will have to be alright with that for now.

Contrition

I am apathetic. When did this happen? I thought I was being careful and yet here I am. A skeptic, comfortably numb. Where do I go from here and how do I begin to unearth this? Help.

Undecided

Lame. As I sit here, I am deeply sad. Overwhelmingly troubled. "Why are you so downcast O my soul?"- PS 42
Why do I have to deal with this crap and internalize, prioritize and negate personal needs just to be faithful to the institution and my own perfection issues?
I am in total depravity? For all that I thought was gain, is but total waste in the sight of God. Forgive me. Forgive my incomparable inability to stay the course, live joy, and be faithful to my call.
Lame. I am lame.

Tranparent and Wanting

I am broken. I am tired of apologizing for this. People just need to get over it. Every struggle others have with this reality is a "pot kettle" conversation so today I am done with it. So who gives a crap that I screw up all the time and am certainly broken- wholly flawed and hopelessly found wanting.

Why is it then, that I still feel guilt every day because I can't get it right? Because I fail to meet expectations others put on me? Because I fail to perfect husbandry, fatherhood, and Christendom?

I dare say that it is honestly my lack of faith and hopeless insecurity as a man of God. My sarcasm attempts to cover my insecurities only to come across as arrogance and jaded elitist pageantry.

I am of total depravity. Today I sit in a room with hundreds of pastors who have served more years than I have been alive. How do I then even begin to reconcile my complete "suckiness" as a pastor, Christian, and human? Doesn't honesty blow?

The Prophetic Voice

Finding one's voice is a life-long journey. I am not speaking to the vernacular nor the articulation of one's native language. I am speaking to the God-made prophetic voice within each individual that sees and wants to speak truth to individuals and situations that need critique and correction. So what's the problem with us all to use and speak to the voice within us?

I believe it is blood. You will bleed when you begin to use this voice. You will make good friends angry- even violently seeking retributive justice for your words which cut so deep. The speak truth, is to invite conflict but also ignite change. People resist change at almost any cost.

I hope I can find enough courage, enough guts to use the prophetic voice God has put inside me for it has become like a burning coal shut up in my bones and I have become weary of holding it in and indeed I cannot.

May we all strive to give voice to that which lies within us all for then true joy, true character, authentic living rises and lives.

The Day the Earth Stood Still