Frustration

We American humans take for granted so many things. Where do I even begin to unpack the ways in which capitalism and suburban life have tainted they way intended for us to see clearly the way in which the world should be and the way in which we should live. Lets start with driving a car since that is one of my current rubs that is almost debilitating to me. I have been told by my doctors that I cannot drive for an indefinite amount of time. I definitely took driving for granted. It is so matter of fact to just jump in your car and go to wherever you want to go. I can't do that and it is freakin' frustrating. I have to depend on others to take me places. I feel like a total dweeb asking to be taken to the store to get simple necessities. I am grown man and I can't just go get the necessities of life. Dependence is like insurgent torture for me. Asking for help has always been a last ditch option for me in the past and yet now it is primary to me living and working. Suck. Major suckage! No matter how patient I may be I feel helpless and that has caused me to take a pretty good dip. I really hate who I am today and that is such a contrary position for all the times that I preach hope for people within my church when I am the one who is feeling hopeless. I guess if I am feeling that way others too may be feeling such things. Andrea is right by saying I could be dead rather than being in the state I currently am. I still have so much more. I pray God will remove the filter on my thoughts and speaking so that I can learn how to speak my mind without the fear of others response. I am definitely being tested in my faith and in my life. This has been a tough go so far and I don't see it getting too much easier any time soon. So it goes and so it is the world in which I live in. God grant me the wisdom to change the things I can and accept the things I can't change.

Suck

"love casts out fear" That was given to me as a gift from a dear friend who said she felt like I need to hear that. The reality is- however nice and true the statement is. I am frustrated and rageful at the station my life is in. Why me and why now? Why can't I drive and work? I feel worthless and lazy. They say I have to take it easy to heal but my body is saying go, go, go. Contradictions. I think Dr's try to do too much and handle to many patients so they can make a few extra bucks. The patients suffer in turn and care diminishes. I have learned about self-advocacy. You don't have to take what any Dr. tells you and it is your right to get a second opinion and most of the time that is a good thing to do. Insurance companies suck let me just say. I have a $2000 deductible before they will pay anything. Okay so that is almost a months worth of my salary. So like that is even realistic to pay for all of that in one fail swoop. I tell others to be faithful stewards of their money while I am struggling to make ends meet. I am such a poser. Isn't there a little light at the end of the tunnel without it being a train this time? Frustrated and tired.

It all changes

So time is like a bald cheetah. This I know is truth. It is both ugly and fast. Beginning November 14 I will embark on an endeavor which will forever change my life. I will begin preaching every Sunday. This means finding a sermon in my heart every week. To be honest, I have waited for this day a long, long, long time. I am truly excited about the task and at the same time terrified. I believe this to be a healthy tension which must always be held to some degree or another.
I wonder if the words will come each week. I wonder if God will continue to speak to me and through me. I wonder if my own spiritual journey will be strengthened. This new service- will it prosper? Is it a work blessed by God and one that will be indwelt with the Holy Spirit? How will people respond? Will it help heal our congregation? Will it generate synergy? how will people respond to my leadership? And the ultimate questions- Will it make a difference in people's lives? I hope so. We will certainly see soon enough.
So if I look a little strange or giddy, it is because I can't wait. Put me in coach I'm ready to play.

Rabbit holes #1

So I am not really that good at listening it turns out. I hear the things I choose to hear and ignore the other. I am discovering that in order for me to be a great preacher I need to listen more to the people that are hearing my sermons. This means the bad with the good, the scathing with the supportive. This scares the hell out of me and yet is a bit exciting. Why is that so?
I am:
1) Prideful
2) Insecure
3) Self-deprecating
4) Scared of the unknown
I am challenged to solicit the help of others when it comes to ministry and ultimately life and lets face it- I suck at this task. I would rather fail than ask for help most of the time. I guess it is time to grow a little bit and put on my big boy pants. Okay so honestly I have to grow a lot.
So in regard to soliciting responses to my sermons...I think it has a lot of potential for me as a pastor to begin to solicit responses and preparation direction when it comes to sermons. We will see how far the rabbit hole goes.

Ministry

Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. II Corinthians 4:1
It's been one long day. About 13 hours of church today. I love getting to preach. I hope I am getting a little better each time I get the opportunity and that, above all else, I bring God glory with what I bring to the table. I think that when I get nervous I come off as pompass when in reality I am scared to death and hoping that I bring some glory to God. Regardless, I love my church.
On a second and more important note- I love my family. My daughter spent most of this afternoon at church with me today and she was a total rock star up on the stage with Taylor and Jennifer. She just jumps into the mix wherever she is. It is so fun to watch her interact with others. I think I am just maybe a little too overprotective of my children- it is always a struggle given my history. I love my wife. She preached 4 services this weekend and was scheduled to preach only one of them. She is steady, passionate, and incredibly gifted. I am so lucky.
This week has a lot of potential. No school and a lot of ministry. Should be great.

sloth

I am preaching on sloth this Sunday. It can be defined as physical, emotional, and spiritual apathy. I thought that it was going to be tough for me to find some stuff to preach on but lets be real this is an epidemic among all of us. When we get bored if a TV show doesn't change angles in 3 second or less- we have a serious problem. I am using the text from Revelation 3 at the address of the lukewarm church- Laodecia. It should be interesting. I hate having to be the prophetic voice. It is never popular but always needed. We are way too comfortable in our church and in our community. I hope that I can organize and articulate the message in a way the is faithful and filled with the Spirit. I am nervous and excited. I guess that is where I need to be. God guide me.

Gray

I suppose that even the greatest of minds have come upon that which cannot be explained and therefore is experienced as an anomaly contradictory to their reasoning norm. There is always a little gray, a little of the not knowing, a little mystery in even the most sound of things.
We are afraid of the gray. The things that you can't explain, you can't dispel, the things which elude even the keenest of minds. Anomalies. I love that about humankind- the not knowing part of it. It implodes our pride and demolishes the meritous argument for self-promotion. There are actual things that are not nor will ever be fully know in this realm. Isn't that satisfying on some plain? Isn't that a relief to know there is no longer pressure to figure it all out?
Maybe even, the not-knowing has in store for us something far greater than that which is known. Could it be that mystery is crowned with something much greater than ourselves?
I don't like the color gray. I have learned to live in it, wrestle with it, and have been changed by its challenges. May you be also.